#324318 When it rains it pours

Well, it’s been tumultuous to say the least.

I got sentenced to four years probation. Having a meeting with my Probation Officer on wednesday to figure out parameters, which he’d been waiting for Idaho to send him paper work on me but hasn’t received it yet so it’s been a few weeks since sentencing and actually having any answers on what I should expect, besides a residence inspection. Also got 100 hours community service in my sentence….

Atreyu turned ten a week ago and I had a little party for him at the park, which the weather held up for thank goodness. He was very pleased with the time, the handful of kids that showed up, the pokemon cake and the presents. I felt like I sugared the kids up to the max before sending them back home.

I’m feeling very lost. My therapist pointed out that to most people probation is uncomfortable, like a noose around their neck, but it completely stripped me of my way of life and happiness and coping mechanisms, so I’m allowed to feel lost

But even more so, Caleb and I aren’t together anymore. not just physically but completely. We weren’t healthy for each other in the end. Or we just couldn’t weather this shit storm…. and I’m really hurting. Went really quickly from “the one” to absolutely none…. And I’m trying so hard to distract myself from my pain but because it’s so overwhelming but it just seeps into all that I am and consumes me. I literally feel like a teenager who thinks the whole world is against them and just wants to drown me in misery. So much for all the work I’d done in the past few years….

I do the yoga teacher training and I bought an old car that needs some TLC that I hope will make it last for either the time I’m here or to flip it…. I’ve been meditating and using self hypnosis to try and heal my wounds and reading “Women who love too much.” And I see some correlation but all in all I don’t know right now…. I really don’t know anything anymore and just wish that things were different.

The most amazing thing that’s come out of this time is that Crikett and I have reconnected. I really appreciate the support she’s given me over the years and missed her even through my hurt of having lost her. And I had a long conversation with Peaches where I apologized for having been so distant for the last ten months. He said he didn’t take it personally and was happy for me to be in a loving relationship, but then I had to explain how that love had grown unhealthy and that my heart is broken…..

It’s so weird how when I’m not physically lost in the world, my emotional state has crashed on me and I feel actually lost. It’s like my purpose is gone and while on the road I still take time to feel feelings and sometimes I feel lost in what I’m doing and how I don’t know how things will continue, it’s easier to push through it and have tomorrow be another day where I may still feel at a loss but then I can still feel it without getting lost in the being lost. Or being lonely. I hadn’t felt truly lonely in years, but I sure do now and I have for a couple months. and that’s especially sad because I have my family here who’s really trying to be supportive and help out and all I can be is a pile of miserable.

Catie and I went for some coffee and had hours of conversation and that felt so good, just to be torn down with accusations right after and I’ve been so exhausted…..

I fell asleep in the sunshine today with a guided meditation playing and I got a sunburn on my back and I love it while I’m just so sad that I got winter pale to the point where 45 minutes in sunshine burns me, so I took a walk to the river with the dogs and had to cross the dry bed there with snow still in it barefoot and it felt good. Especially when I got to the river and screamed to the void and I just want to go far away and scream and cry and scream some more…. Then Rhea almost walked off the embankment because her eyesight is failing and I caught her but it’s just a reminder how old she’s getting and how much I love her. I would’ve jumped in that river to save her….

I don’t know…. The kids are in bed for the night and I’m out in the bus. I’m so grateful to have those kids and yet I have so little energy to deal with anything right now.

I just want things to get better. I want things to start falling into place instead of apart. It was such a drastic change. Everything was so good last May. Going back to weekly therapy sessions. She said we have to work on my self esteem because no self respecting person would’ve put up with all that nonsense.

I hope y’all have smiles and maybe some smiles to spare