#61221 I, the burden

Good morning fair humans. The sun just came out and my older child just drove to shear alpacas with his Omi. The bus is woefully empty but the trailer is moving along. The wind blew apart the tent we’ve been sleeping in so I’ve slept on my mom’s couch the last two nights while the kids inhabited my nefloofy’s bed. I have bought a new tent to replace Crikett’s that was ripped, but I couldn’t set it up the first day due to weather still being poor and yesterday I brought the airmattress to be frozen and picked up again today. I really hope I will have a truly bug free night soon because not getting sleep has been super good for my mental health.

I’ve always been striving to be as raw as possible, trying my best to be myself on here and in real life, and I’ve also been trying to do positivity exercises though these seem to have taken a backseat since I discovered I had this infestation. So, in the spirit of being raw, I lost my biggest supporter last night right at my bed time, all because I communicated my feelings about a situation. I felt like I’ve only ever written positive things about this family because I hold them all in such high regards, but now I feel kind of like I was set up to lose this friend.

Crikett decided to text me to invite me to her child’s first birthday party immediately adding the addendum that a human family would be present that had taken it upon themselves to call my children a burden upon society because our views differed on immigration legalities. Like a super low blow from someone who’d up until that point said that they had love in their heart for my kids. It’s been a few years, but I was already not in a fair mental state and I just don’t know how healthy my brain is in general. That kind of stuff really cuts me though because I need to protect my children from such hatefulness and I already generally feel like a burden. It makes me doubt myself on so many levels. Do I even deserve love? or a friend?

So, I replied that I would love to attend her special event as I generally don’t get invited to anything by Crikett anymore, partially because I’m not often here, but otherwise I feel like I’m the black sheep of that family. They’re all pretty democratic and I’m super liberal bordering on anarchy. But in all I just don’t think I can be in the same room with my kids who has made it very clear what they think about us, then add to that my daughter and having been threatened about her once already this year, it’s not a situation I want to expose myself to. Crikett said she understood but then continued to say that this is why she’s telling me such because it would suck for me to show up and her just be present or her truly excluding me by not inviting me at all. Like those are the only options. She said that this person was fine with my showing up which I don’t find surprising as she’s got a wonderful support system along side her. The ending of this was Crikett telling me how done she is because she shouldn’t have to be consideerate of anything than having a nice celebration with her child. That she’s trying her hardest to balance friendships and all she’s been doing is give to me and all I give is stress because she has to watch what she says around me? I also feel like I have to watch what I say around her and anyone but especially her husband. I do have a habit of word vomiting, too, but I’d been trying to opt away from controversial subjects because I just don’t feel capable of explaining or defending myself. I’m also unsure of what I could give her. Not long ago she’d told me that she was pretty comfortable with our friendship? Have I been complaining too much? Did I not let her vent satisfactorily? I did make a joke about her passion of attending college, where my critique was aimed mostly at the expensive system. I agonized for the rest of the night after the joke if I should text her and clarify my joke but then I had thought that she’d been my friend for so long where she’d been my friend through my razzinger times and that one little joke couldn’t be so bad. She says I’ve been belittling her? So through all my carefulness and in the midst of a mentally broke down summer, I get abandoned. All because I spoke my feelings about someones presence. If someone says something so hateful about innocent children, especially ones I love and care for to the point of witnessing their entry into this world, I’d at least not try and force them into the same room, especially if there’s been no consideration from the offending party.

Seriously, back when my kids were insulted as such, it seemed like this “friend” was looking for a good reason to cut ties with me already so she insulted the things I love most. Now I feel like the two ladies collaborated to find a way to get rid of Crikett’s burden. Cause that’s all we are, a burden. But just telling me what she wanted from me was too much. She shouldn’t have to be considerate of her friends…? My alternative would’ve been to maybe let me bring a smash cake over on any other day. Or maybe have me come by and leave early and have the other family come a little later. I just don’t know. I’ve been trying to imagine on what’s going on in her head about the situation. Maybe she doesn’t understand the impact humans masquerading as friends have had on me? Maybe she doesn’t understand how poor my mental health is currently? Maybe I have been crazy and beyond selfish trying to take care of my never ending problems. I have made contact with a therapist so I could gain more clarity about my life and wtf I’m doing wrong.

Obviously I couldn’t sleep last night. I’m very grateful that Catie was available and willing to navigate my distorted mind. And just now Oryan showed his support again while also acknowledging that he’s noticed how he manages to get under my skin, too, but understands how I feel about this situation I’m in. I certainly don’t feel like I’ve thanked him enough for his help. I think most people deserve better than me, which makes it all the more hurtful to have such confirmed in strife instead of speaking to me like a human. Her last words were “I love you. I’m done.” One kind of negates the other. I didn’t ask her to stress about me. She could just be clear with me “I want you to swallow your pride and endanger your children for me to be able to have a hateful person attend my child’s birthday. After all they’ve never insulted me, so their insult towards you and your kids can’t have been that bad…. It’s for the love of my child, so let’s ignore your kids’ safety and mental wellbeing”

Oryan said we’re about 80% done with trailer build. My dad’s bringing a sander for the bus floor today. I’ve purchased some metal shelvings to build into Matilda with. I started a little cutting into Bugus and have been asking around about humans with welding capabilities to get rid of the wood frame. I can only hope for the best and to get back out of here before too long.

I do have to say that I am still worried that my mom’s new couch has bugs. Maybe it’s all in my head but I certainly felt something while sleeping on it. I hope I can talk her into just putting the couch out of her living room until it’s reached below freezing …. Maybe I can make a tent and heat treat the couch effectively. I’m afraid that they’re already everywhere in this house and I don’t want them to be and I don’t want to accidentally pick them back up again. I feel responsible for their presence and can’t afford the eradication and I know neither can my mom, So i’m a bit lost and unworthy.

Here I am, everyone’s burden. I just don’t know. Any reassurance is appreciated.