It’s so early morning that the kids are still sleeping. Quick complaint about traveling from east to west: I hate time zone changes. My inner clock wakes up at a certain point and I’d like it to be 9 AM when it does so, but honestly I’d settle for not 6 AM. The bonus of waking that early is quiet meditation and this morning I took the doggo for a run. With our parking spot right by the River walk park, it’d be a shame if I hadn’t utilized it. I may just take the kids for a walk to look at the Peoria skyline from here before we cross the river and walk along the other side.
The park I wrote in yesterday witnessed all the love. The kids loved it so much I heard not a single complaint from either. Atreyu finished his workbook and Galixy worked hard on hers. The sun was so warm that I turned a bit burned.
But the Highlight of the park was our beautiful family! It’s been three years and the girls have gotten so grown. I’m always a bit flustered by how gorgeous this family is. Inside and out. I definitely feel like this fact is obvious by my tongue tied demeanor that turns to almost over sharing of nonsense that I don’t deem nearly as important as just their simple presence and anything they have to tell us. I feel like crying that we don’t get more time together. Di said Evie looks like mini ryan. I said she looks like a big galixy to me, but I should’ve said that she’s way prettier and lovelier. I’ve spent the last night just overthinking our hour together and nitpicking my own behavior that I fear comes off as stand-offish which is just my not being able to show my positive emotions in person of so much happiness I could just bask quietly and observe. We are SO fortunate for this life!
The kids were so happy to play with their sisters. It’s the first time Galixy is one of the girls and they love her regardless. And I am crying while I’m writing. I wish we could do playdates and be close enough to hang out regularly. If I lived somewhere and had money available for such I’d try to make it here regularly. Like a monthly thing. Family is so important. Especially when they are so loving. We had a little over an hour together but it felt like 20 minutes. Too soon they had to pack up and get back to their little baby brothers. An important and valid reason.
I failed and took no pictures. But Di did! She’s such a good mom. Such a wonderful human. She said that Ryan’s getting counseling and that supposedly he asks the girls about Galixy so there may be some kind of interest in him afterall. Not that Galixy gets to feel that interest. According to him the last we spoke it “seemed I didn’t want him around and he’s respecting that.” But that was four years ago. And I remember being uncomfortable in the situation but that wasn’t because I didn’t want him to be part of his child’s life, I didn’t want to discuss logistics of the love and care my kids should receive with people I didn’t know or feel comfortable around. In the end, it’s Galixy who will know who is around and who isn’t. And as someone who felt a fathers absence despite weekly phone calls and semi-annual visits, his complete withdrawal is felt. I try my best not to speak poorly of him in front of the kids especially, though how often am I asked where dad is. The only answer I have is that he chose his freedom over his kids and I have nothing else to dispute that. I do hope the kids don’t hear that as often as I say it. Even hearing it once is a painful internalization for such young lives. I want them to feel loved, not abandoned.
Argh, It’s the most consideration he’s gotten from me in a long while and I’m ready for it to fade back into the background. Until it becomes pertinent again. Maybe he could deign us with some show of interest instead of false respect of his assumption. My original anger was at his abandonment and instead of fighting for his child as a loving parent would he distanced himself further. I hope his counseling helps him.
After the playground I almost felt like leaving Peoria altogether, but even the slight chance of having another moment with our family made me pull in to first the Walmart. Di advised against it and suggested the Bass Pro Shop instead. I wanted to check it out anyway. I think we would’ve been fine at Walmart too. Alas we did drive to Bass Pro and found a spot to park. The noise of the Highway was penetrated my dreams but wasn’t enough to disturb my sleep.
My memory bank is such a weird thing. When prompted I can remember stupid fractions of highschool gossip such as what height one has to be to be eligible for disability of being too short and minute mannerisms of random people and then it takes hours for my brain to recall Galixy shutting genitalia into a dvd case. I guess I try to keep neutral and pleasant memories more than something that feels painful.
Before we left the playground a friendly guy in his stocking cap and his two daughters came to talk to us and hang out a little. He said we were certainly the most interesting people he’d met all week. I teased that it must’ve been a very boring week. He did end up donating some cash to our cause.
Both the kids are now awake and my mind’s having some trouble combobulating. Something had just crossed my mind and it took me a while to get back to what it had been. I must design some new Matilda Bugus shirts that I could put in my bus for Sale. I should also order more stickers. Add that to my list of projects. It’s like I’m collecting projects. Beginning to overflow such. Almost considered buying one of those pocket printers that are being sold for hald off, but then how to purchase extra paper. It would’ve been an impulse by simply in order to print out pictures. I guess I’d rather just spend around a dollar a print at walmart than getting another device I’d use once in a blue moon.
It’s a mess in my bus. I need to do dishes and get rid of all the extra kickdowns I was trying to return. At any rate I must get off this phone and get back onto lifing.
I do hope you have a beautiful day. I hope you’re grateful for existing, as I’m grateful for your existence! I hope you have a smile to share.
At this point, I must say that we do run on donations and I greatly appreciate your contributions. Every little bit helps and gets us to explore just a little more of this exciting world. I accept donations via CashApp: $MatildaBugus and paypal: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/matildabugus
If you’d like to peek at our Amazon wishlist follow the link below. We really appreciate those special wants/wishes/deferred needs finding their way to us possibly via your help! https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/3LUAOP5L0M5FY?ref_=wl_share
Matilda the Bugus 