A very day to you good people! It’s been quite a time for me lately….
Above all I think this situation has made me realize how much traveling has meant to me. How much freedom and in control of my life I feel even when or especially when I relinquish control to the universe and the people around me. Everything seems skewed right now and like it’s a dark time ahead….
I’d gone to court about a week ago, courtesy drive from my Dad and Chris, which was a lovely ride down full of hope. I’d spent the week before hustling my life into a bit more organization but mainly enjoying my freedom from being incarcerated.
Then, at court, I was requested to have a urine analysis and I jumped up eager to prove that I’d been following court orders. Imagine my surprise when I pissed dirty for THC. My attorney looked at me very accusingly, but all I could say was that I’d not been smoking! I had not been smoking or ingesting any form of edibles or anything. I was aghast and the judge threatened me with reincarceration. It was the prosecuting attorney that asked if it could be sent to the lab for levels to possibly establish a baseline, which was denied, but they let me go anyway.
I was distraught the entire way back, the whole 6 hours drive, messaging my friend Kim about detoxing suggestions and reading up on why my system had not been clean. Caleb suggested having smoked dabs would take up to four months to process, but the internet and my attorney and brother debunked that. The most likely cause was having been a habitual smoker for decades taking up to 90 days to clear out.
I started drinking water and cran pomegranate juice, eating low carb and working out like a maniac, despite Kim saying she doesn’t recommend me putting my body under such intense stress. I knew my body could handle it and I wanted to be sure. I went in for a private UA for 75$ to be sent to a lab to confirm my levels, but everything came back negative. I’ve been tasked to repeat it before our next court date on the 27th, much sooner than the trial set for the 22nd of December, just to have me reanalyzed by the court.
I feel terrible that my parents have to shoulder that drive again so soon, while my mom will be left in charge of the kids once again.
The nights have been getting colder intermittently here, but the days are still sunny. I got to hang out with Catie, and Molly and her kids. Catie had wrote me a referral within a few hours time and we got to chat for a little while. Molly made the best squash, meat, and bean Chilli I’d ever had, which could’ve been a challenge since Chilli is one of my all time favorites, but Molly is an excellent cook and an amazing hugger and mother. Caleb was very impressed with her kiddos since Gabriel suggested going outside right off the bat.
I’d received a job offer from Town & Country grocery store, which I eagerly jumped on wanting to secure a job to prove my respectability to the court. I don’t agree with that a whole lot, but I’m trying to play by rules. About anybody can get a job, it doesn’t show your moral standing or contributions by my scales. It’s very little correlation. But on the way back from court I received a phone interview for a mechanic shop I’d applied for and ran from job interview to T&C orientation to Galixy’s dentist to private UA all in only a few days. A stressful few days to be sure.
Especially considering that a cloud of depression was sweeping over my life.
I’d just gotten the grocery store job and was unsure about the mehcanic position, interview only scheduled, but looking into registering my kids in public school, and then going out to hold my cardboard sign for a few hours to subsidize the money I’d just lost to bail bond and Galixy’s birthday and simple living expenses…. I realized how much I enjoy being amongst people on my own time and maybe trying to cheer them up a little or collecting their smiles and changing a bit of perception on the perceived to be homeless willing to put down their ego and ask for assistance from the general public. How much I enjoy being outside and in the sunshine. How much I miss traveling…..
How 8 years had passed since I last held a taxable job, and all my hard work of keeping myself but especially my kids out of the system now seems to be thrown in the trash can. How all my work of educating my kids had been dumped into the sewage. How the system really pulled me away from everything I hold dear. At the grocery store I would’ve been working nights and weekends and with kids in school I would’ve barely even seen them. How my effort to live as minimalist as possible stretching as few moneys as possible as far as possible just not seen as acceptable by any standard.
It all hurts so much. It all hit me in a wave of frustration disintegrating into depression.
I’m worried about this blog, too. My views are inconsistent at best without travel. And, honestly, without travel there will be little I feel to report. I’ve seen skoolie vloggers and bloggers start up and grow, just to be willingly discarded since they’ve found their place to settle. That hurts. I am unwilling. I feel trapped back at the place I started, started multiple times from. The assurance that I’m strong is almost a slap in the face. I didn’t want to see how strong I am, I wanted to show y’all how strong you can be.
Or, rather, how little strength it takes going day by day. Taking each challenge a little at a time and knowing that you won’t fall so hard, that faith can carry you through some tough shit.
Well here I am in tough shit that isn’t day by day-able. It’s overwhelming in the emotions and mental. All the things the system brings that I’ve worked so hard to keep out of.
Caleb assures me that it’s temporary, but this temporary could last years! And that’s a harsh outlook for someone who just wishes their most to shine a little light into the lives around them….
So I got a job as a detailer for Randash Auto center which is a dealer/ financeer / rental agency/ mechanic shop. It feels a little less daunting than working in a grocery store, like my time won’t be totally wasted and I’m likely to learn something for my mechanic passion. I don’t have a car so I’ll be relying on my brother and mom once Caleb leaves, which will be the day after my birthday.
I tried to register the kids for school yesterday and the roadblock of PIR days hit, so I will be up very early on Monday to register them in school and have them ride the bus on tuesday. I start work on Monday….
Obviously I know that the stress I feel right now won’t last forever, but after the stress subsides all that will be left is this void inside. I don’t even know if I can say that I’m trying right now. I do what I must and trudge on and it feels hard.
I thought I’d share that.
I’m grateful for having so much love in my life, though I’m unsure I truly feel it with this shadow over me.
I hope you have gratitude.
Many blessings
Matilda the Bugus 