Good morning, day, and/or evening, kindly, patient and wonderful people of the internet. Also, hello to the not-so-wonderful people, whether that be your own emotional state or whatever. At any rate, I hope you’re having wonderful and gentle holidays!
It’s been quite some time since I’ve written here and I can give you a large plethora of excuses from being busy, to binging books, caught up in life and kids things, all the way to “I just wasn’t feeling it. Deal!” The last few days it’s been itching in me, though. Not that I have something particular to report. But I figured it was that time to just let my words tumble out for a bit.
We’ve been puttering pretty slowly for the last month, doing holiday spange and going camping and having some beach time. We saw Turtle in Nola and carravaned with her to Birmingham, Alabama, where the kids played on beautiful property. From there we went south into Florida and then backtracked along the coast into alabama, where we met a guy by the name of Justin who decided to install a TV and antenna into Matilda. I was all excited to watch Jeopardy and have yet to locate the right channel at the right time for such. I used to be worried that if I had an acttual TV it would be consistently running in background noise, wasting energy and brain cells. However, it seems to not be a big deal or distraction. We’re still outside more than looking at screens and it gives me a peace of mind on occasion,
Asking the kids what their favorite part of the last month was resulted in little to no answer. Been caught up reading a lot and listening to audiobooks. I do want to recommend a fantastic book! “Where I end and you begin” by Preston Norton was a fantastic book. I wish there was more of that story but it was intensely satisfying in many ways. Atreyu says he recommends the book Eragon because it’s very action-y. Galixy recommends “Kiss me- I’m perfect” Which she loves because all the animals give them kisses and it’s super lovey.
Atreyu loved all the pokemon cards he received for christmas. Galixy’s favorite gift was the “tangled” bow and arrow. I got myself some skin care products. All in all, very pleased kids…
We finally made it to florida and it’s currently 70° F at almost 8 AM. I have been trying to get further into florida, but I had orderred some christmas packages here to my friend, Kim’s place and have been having some issues with the mail and amazon about it. Personal Lesson: don’t trust Amazon. Not like I did before and I really don’t like supporting that big corporation, but I was low on choices for the present for Atreyu from his grandma. Would be very satisfying if it had already arrived. galixy also is getting pretty much the same thing, but it’s delayed by a month, thanks to AMAzon.
I almost started a parenthesis, but I’m about to get into a huff, so maybe that deserves it’s own paragraph. Maybe y’all feel like you know me by now, so, what’s the thing I feel least comfortable with/ dislike the most?
The “system” *gesturing broadly* so obviously failing us in many ways. Part of that system is money structure we’re relying on. No, I don’t have an ideal solution to fix everything. Something’s need to be dismantled to find new strategies that actually work for more humans. “But Laney, you still beg for money.” -No honey, I run on donations. Just because Im stuck in a system I don’t condone, doesn’t mean it’s not part of the world right now, just like I am. So, if you know me personally, and you think sending me money is a christmas gift, you’re so far off from who I am, or what I want. Especially, if you’ve canceled my friendship, I don’t want your thoughts. Obviously regard was so low as to not being able to communicate with me in a reasonable fashion, asking for space and time apart is unheard of, and one must cancel a complete friendship with words of “YOU are toxic and I don’t agee with everything you do either but I won’t elaborate , just backhandedly send you a thing you dislike.” Yes indeed, my voicing my insecurity after having made a joke for the apparently wrong audience makes me terribly toxic and all I do is take what is given, but that must mean I intend to suck people dry instead of assuming that people are only trying to give what they can afford without harm to themselves. It certainly felt toxic when someone told me they’d help me make my bug-problem into a benefit to my life because they had a frame and an idea, but as soon as I was at my most vulnerable, unwelcome at the house I hadn’t even wanted to stay at that year, my home pulled into nothing, trying my best to deal with my mental dark hole brought on by bugs, consistently being alone, and a lack of self-love, that was the time to tell me what a lousy friend I am, because one couldn’t bring up the guts to actually talk to me but blame me for their own choice to “walk on eggshells.” Quietly consistently disagreeing isn’t friendship. I really prefer human connection over filthy money. In case ANYBODY was ever wondering: I appreciate deeply when people come by and deem me worthy of sparing a couple dollars to help out on our exploration/eudcation/ life. I appreciate it 100% more when people are happy to see Bugus, or my family. Human connection is so much more important to me, though, so if it’s a choice between pity money or no money, like keep it to yourself. I woulda much preferred a friend. I woulda also appreciated a grandma spending time with her grandchildren or picking out their christmas gifts rather than any sum. If my attitude was different about it, maybe Id be getting childsupport, but as I’ve said before, I’d prefer face interaction and actual care. Now, when my brother said that he respected the way I was raising my kids especially not hounding dad for money, it made me feel off, too, because I’m shouldering that burden by myself instead of having the other party help with what they created. Just because I want their attention/ money given freewillingly to their kids instead of forced by a court, doesn’t mean that I’m doing it right. Do I consider myself doing anything right? or for that matter wrong? nope. I don’t judge myself or others on the same levels y’all seem to judge each other on. Like I don’t know what crusade everyone is involved in. What I really value is humans interconnecting. FRIENDSHIP is invaluable.
Both Atreyu and Galixy were mildly sick a couple weeks ago. Galixy with a mild cold/sore throat, while Atreyu had it coming out of both ends-tummy discontent. Those are the times being an immensely single parent is the hardest and loneliest. Cleaning sick out of clothing, comforting the whiniest noises and wondering “how sick is too sick?” and whom to discuss it with. Brainwrecking myself about having to go into the grocery store or laundromat whilst leaving sick children in the home unsure if they’re infectious or will need me during the 10 minutes I take to do the bare necessities….. I just want another adult to actually CARE about my kids’ welfare enough to be there for them.
The kids just agreed that the Little Ninja”s Gym in western pensacolawas a highlight of the month. The employees were very engaging with the kids and had a blast..
Now that I’m getting to the end of this post I feel immensely dissatisfied. Like I didn’t capture any of our month or thoughts or cool interactions with the diversity that is humanity and the kindness shown to us. Or all the interest in our way of life I’ve encountered. I’ve realized that this blog is overflowing with posts and I’m beginning to feel unsure if they convey our daily messages to the populace.
The wonders we encounter and the cool things we see. Maybe, if I add pictures it’ll bring my last month back closer to me. It’s been quite tumultuous with stormy days and immersions into fictional stories…..
I’m just closing my eyes and post this at this point. I know I’m pretty late on the posting.. Stay grateful and I hope you feel love.
Matilda the Bugus 