Helloo and good day!
We sat in Socorro until about noon. I made a whopping $1 in those first long hours. But then, our angel pulled up. She rolled down her window and asked if we needed any help. I said that we’re just trying to get enough Diesel to get out of the desert because of our health. She immediateely asked me to pull up to the next gas station if possible. This wonderful California originak filled my tank for $70 AND gave us $40. She was wearing a depiction of mother mary on her ample bossom. She truly depicts good Christianity in my life. Jesus loves me, and I don’t have to believe in him personally for him to do so. I believe he exist, because others love him and need him and he does them good.
So after I gave this lady all of my appreciation, we went to McDonalds because the boys wanted yoghurt but I didn’t want to go back to Walmart. They had a small playplace. I let the kids run for just a little bit. Somebody anonymously donated 2 burgers, 2 goghurts, and 2 juices for the boys. The most annoying thing about McDonalds is that Galixy needs to go potty every 5 minutes, which means I leave AAtreyu to play and ask him to keep an eye on the food while he’s running around. The 2nd time today, both stalls were full again, so I asked Galixy to hold it until we made it back to the bus. Packed our stuff and left. Surprise: no poops on the bus.
We drove a good stretch through Albuquerque. Driving is my zen area when I’m healthy especially, so it felt good to zone into the music and the road. I have lots of thoughts about writing while driving. Unfortunately all left me after we stopped. We stopped at the Sprouts to rest mom’s brain. There were a lot of friendly people in that area. I was consistently talking to people and even got a nug kicked down. I went shopping and the boys walked behind me like little ducklings. I wanna give kudos to the very cute worker in the yoghurt department who volunteered to inform me once the peach yoghurt came off the truck he was unloading. Cute and helpful. Dangerous.
While parked at the sprouts I also received an invitation to the Tractor Brewery. I told him I don’t drink. I have two kids. He told me there were also dank Soda’s. I would’ve so gladly taken this guy up on a drink and some hippie chit chat, but I’m not feeling 100% yet, so I choose to take it as easy as possible.
Around 4:30 we headed out of that lot to go to a campsite I knew about from last years, NM earthday rainbow regional. I wanted to have darkness in my bug tonight. Last night the light pollution was so hardcore that it became darrker in the bug once the sun was coming up and the lights turned out. And so we trekked first over a little stretch of musical highway and then south and into some mountains
It is a beautiful spot in the midst of a super rutty road. My change jar flopped over and needed cleaning up once we arrived. However, there’s a metal fire ring for us to have a little fire. We’re high up so it might get a little frosty tonight, but I’m planning on only being here a night in search of warmth and non-desert. I also really need to look into getting Chikkie’s balls cut before he gets even more rowdy.
So here we are. A bit further out into the wilderness, a little better health wise, kids playing, drinking tea, itching to do projects like wire wrap, but not being able to mentally focus on something like that without my head errupting into intense pain.
Last night’s post released a bunch of healing or disturbance in me. It was hard getting to sleep with all the thoughts of my broken-ness. As things go, I thought about my Family constellation thing, I received four years ago or so. It mostly revolved around the Penises in our family and all our daddy issues. which reminds me: Absent males have the issues, not the humans trying to compensate in their feelings. Though, it’s true, I probabaly won’t be energgetically interested in youunless you’re likely to leave. Carefree individuals.
And as we women do, my mom took it all on her shoulders. I did make it clear how I felt about some of her actions, but I feel less harmed by her “absence” than my dad (I mean who’s first comment to their friend after their kid has visited is ask if she still ” wants grandkids”? it might be meant as a joke and I know he loves me lots. It still kind of hurts because technically we’re kinda mellow considering the whirlwind two young kids are. AND we were sick, so our energy pegel was way below usual).
I feel like my opinion of people was construed as darker than I actually perceive them. I want to make sure we all know, I very much love people for being their authentic self. If I don’t agree with you, it isn’t either of our problems. Also, I didn’t mention dear people like Saliha, who would be here for me if she wasn’t so far away. Or Julie, a consistent “liker” also far away but SO there for me when we were close. More than I probably deserved during that stage of darkness in my life. I don’t think she knows how much I really love and appreciate her. Or Crikett, the only American friend who traveled across an ocean to see me, where we are unsteadily and unsure about mending the canyon we ripped between us in the last few years. Or MJ who became my sister by default of our kids’ ages. Or Marika who I remain out of touch with mostly, but know, if we’re in the vicinity we will be welcomed with open arms.
This list of wonderful people could go on and on. I’m beyond blessed by the great people who have my back. I mean, last year I “randomly” showed up to the Williams’ residence close to Austin, TX. I’ve known them my entire life, but don’t keep in touch with anyone. They ALL welcomed me most graciously and helped a ton when the bus wouldn’t start and needed an intense operation to replace it. And now Susan. She didn’t have to take us in while we were sick. She didn’t have to take us in even if we had been healthy. Her enthusiasm at having us come over and showing us her town made me feel very at ease. The way she guided us about her house and gave us instructions on utilization of any facility she could offer was beyond welcoming. I feel a super connection to her, though my health and mentally left me, once again, beyond incapable of showing my affection.
My post yesterday will probably be the most “step-on-some-toes” esque that I will write. I just want y’all to know that I love you with all my heart (mom, you especially) and I know circumstances and perspective. I’m just happy that my perspective is being heard. because I want us all to be in harmony. When we do that, we MIGHT heal. If we just ignore it, we won’t. so dad, if you’re reading this: I know it was a joke. I DO love you and your sense of humor. I wish you would tell me more about yourself and that our conversation would feel more natural and flowy. Please smoke a bowl with me this summer, and tell me the WILDEST story in your history. My respect for you won’t change. I know we’re human and you’ve lived a colorful life yourself.
And then the music returns the driving thoughts:
I’m making room. For the things I’m scared of. A human coming along and being important in our structure. A human who will have a strong opinion and I will possibly have to compromise with. A smart person who stimulates me inside and out (because it is important to me that my eyes are happy. in other words, I’m just a bit superficial. I know that true beauty is only when the inside is as pleasing. But I hate lying. And that doesn’t mean I need a “model” look. I just need someone my eyes say yes to as much as my motor and heart and brain.
As Saliha pointed out today, I’m backing myself into a corner of being alone. Even when in truth I’m far from alone. And, here I am… healing a little at a time.
Loving you
Matilda the Bugus 