I feel changed. This fever and mucus had me delirious for almost a week. Maybe even a full week considering I was tending the kids first off, and then sometime between while i was almost lucid.
Right now my head still has a light knocking in the left side, but it’s a far cry from the mucus induced pounding I’d been hearing. I can still feel a nasal wing stretch towards my ear, but the weight in it is teeny when compared to the last week.
I was still delirious while writing this and couldn’t get very far. I’m still coughing, probably more inflamed than actually congested. I’ve gotten a netti pot gifted and I’m absolutely in love with it. It helped me clear out the biggest ball of snot pressure. I must’ve used it a million times already in the last few days. maybe I washed my brain out a little too…. One can only hope.
If you haven’t noticed the change on my page, please let me point it out. Praise to the helpful hand would go to my awesome brother, Nik. I’m all about independance and the fact that my brother is consistently taking care of his little sister in the last couple years, is a little disconcerning, but at least a forever debt to your own brother is a lot more likely to get paid back than to strangers. He also won’t take a leaf infront of his mouth to tell me when he thinks I need to pay up, and give him whatever he sees me have of value.
I’m going at this all backwards, but it’s just a testament to the brainwarp a sickness has. So maybe I should start back up at the river.
I quit smoking tobacco there, in the midst of being sick. I also made some exorbitant plans to hang out with people. Which I only really took one up on. A friend of my fathers’ invited us over to her beautiful shindig. And she let us park in her driveway for 4 days or more (I’m really unsure because all I can see is my losing a week of working and child developing to the curing) now that I look it must’ve been less.
We drove over from the river on Sunday. I shouldn’t have driven that day. I was all kinds of woozy and going extremely slow. I felt like I was swerving, but Daniel, driving behind me, said I seemed fine. Doubtful, but at least we all made it safely.
Susan, my dad’s friend, is beyond talkative. My dad did give me a warning, but nothing could’ve prepared me for the consistent stream of opinion coming out of her mouth. She saw how miserable I was and sent me to nap pretty quick after showing us her wonderful remodel-job of a home. The walls are painted bright and there are large windows letting the light in. There are four doors to exit into her Garden, which is as dusty as any other part of the desert. She is working on it left and right and I don’t doubt the improvement she’s made since purchasing this little gem of “add-a-room-a-decade” build. I think the best part is the large Hot tub she put into her kitchen, or the reverse Osmosis water machine.
All in all, I believe her to have a sturdy brain with tons of knowledge. My only complaint would be that the boys watched videos almost all day. After which they behaved miserably, which I can easily deduce came from the long screen exposure. Besides having an opinion of me doing my parenting weird (from cutting kids hair, it’s theirs not mine, to Atreyu not getting proper nutrition because he’s such a small boy. I know his dad is about a foot shorter than Galixy’s, but he eats consistently usually, so that opinion seems invalid to me, but I do take his height into consideration), after I told her, the kids had watched enough TV to last their lifetime in the last few days, she went and turned it right back onto the kiddie youtube with colors and shapes and baby rhymes. Atreyu asked me to change it multiple times. I managed to shove an afternoon of documentaries down their gullets. And one morning of watching Heidi in German, which was my favorite favorite at about Galixy’s age. I think after I convalesced some she saw that I’m not generally as incapable at being a mother and have a plan and system of belief that doesn’t include public schooling (or indoctrination into a bunk society or that their worth would be measured by their employment capability). I’m beyond grateful for her words of my taking a break of the kids consistently. She told me to tell my parents in Montana that I DO need an hour or two to myself away from the kids. I mean I’ve been going crazy with the responsibility of their wellbeing solely relying on me. Any time I’ve gone to Montana I’ve held some hope to get even a minute to myself. It’s hard to convince them that I’m flailing, because everybody sees me as this strong independant mom. My mom’s nicest thing to say is “I had to raise two kids by myself too”, yes, mom, but you had an inheritance and a social system of Austria sitting behind you. I’ve considered going back to Austria and commiting to their crooked democratic socialist system, just so I can smell a little freedom, and less pressure. But we all know, it wouldn’t work that way, because nixing certain worries, creates others. Here I’m free to suffer and possibly be discriminated against for not vaccinating, which isn’t very uncommon in Austria either. They sure as hell won’t take my kids out of their school system because I have my own opinion on their immune system. Anyway! let this be my parents warning that I will come to Montana and stay 1-2 weeks at each of their homes. I will ask each individual to give me a break from the kids at least 2x during my stay. I won’t care if they watch movies, but I would prefer if their grandparents would take some initiative to show them how fun it can be without mom, whether it’s taking them to a playground or a museum. They deserve to feel loved by their grandparents, regardless of the love and effort having been bestowed on my niece. If any of you three, have something to say about this, ya might want to do it before I get to Montana. I’ll gladly go explore the Northern part of the US in lieu of the exasperation of putting in tons of energy to grant my kids time with their grandparents just to feel thwarted. It’s not only that I feel thwarted, I feel it for my kids. My niece has a mother and father and four or five sets of grandparents. But all my kids have is me, Omi, Opi, Nana, uncle Niki, and “auntie” Di, and her daughters. Other than that, they’re all strangers chosing to be family as our travels allow it.
This spew had been supressed for a minute. I’m super sore that their dad’s aren’t present in any way. No interest. No words but blame to me. I know I’ve been mouthed off by one as crazy. It is wicked crazy and obnoxious to even hint that a father should practice a form of sobriety off alcohol while interacting with his child. I wouldn’t hand my kid to any drunk. Especially one that is known to drink from morning till late night and tells women “they’re lucky to have him, cause they’re too hard to love, and he is the only one capable of that” but then disappears on the drop of hat.
I’m still kind of looking for a step in father, but I know, the harder I look the further he gets. I also feel like who’s going to love me with my independance and the two boys. He’s definitely left his mark on my soul.
A boy just knocked on the bus door, about 15 years old. He told me he wish he had a donation to give. I told him all he should donate is smile, then. He did. Then he pointed to the box of free rocks I put out saying his momma used to collect gems. I told him he should PLEASE take one. He picked a kyanite. A gem of protection. May it keep him safe and his spirits moving in the way he is already. I’m happy he came and spoke to me, interrupting my writing, but the first to donate anything. So grateful for the smile.
This has gotten fairly dark, so I really appreciate the boy knocking even more. I want to conclude this with our drive today, away from T or C. We’re at Socorro now. I’m trying my best to get out of the desert and the dust. I feel like the dirt has compounded in my nostrils and is really exascerbating this illness. Now Galixy says he feels ill. He wants to go to bed. Atreyu slept in my bed last night because he was feeling so poor. Coughing until I brought him up. After which, by miracle, he immediately stopped and fell asleep. I fought for room in my teeny bed, as he snored through the night and awoke clear eyed.
We’ll be washing the dust off ourselves before bed tonight. Every time I close my eyes I feel some dirt trickle onto my face.
I’m loving y’all. through my little/big sickness…
Share a smile. Help us out.
Matilda the Bugus 