For years I’ve had this theory that Febuary is the worst month of the year. I totally forgot about it this year.
Today was shit. And it must have something to do with febuary beginning. Or maybe because I woke up a million times last night? I’m leaning towards febuary, though. Waking up last night didn’t lose my EBT card. Yesterday, in January, I still had it. Today I’m ransacking and calling all the places I was at in case it fell out of my pocket…. In VAIN! *amazon cry of despair*
Let me start at the begin of the day, obviously I woke up in the rest area. I sat out for a while since the sun was nice and I figured people would donate, which they did here and there. Here’s our sunrise:
Febuary truly started for me when a lady brought her mini poodle out of her car. I wasnt the only one observing this, a 120lbs dog in a car also saw this morsel exit the vehicle, though he didn’t see it as cute, as I did. He saw it as tasty. He lunged through the open car window and chaos ensues. The lady screamed at the top her lungs. The owner of the big dog jumped in and started wrestling the gray pit. It was latched on for a good 10 minute struggle and by the time they got the dogs apart the little poodle was laying lifeless on the ground. The lady was still screaming and crying being held by the female owner of the other dog. I kicked from observer, leaving space, to me and rushed to the poodle. As soon as I got there I saw the gash similar to Rhea’s el Paso incident of last year, but bigger. I reached out and grazed the poodles hind leg fur. He immediately perked up. I yelled at them that he was alive and the ladies scrambled towards him. I mad dashed to the bus and grabbed my first aid kit and hydrogen peroxide. I gave them a washcloth and bandages. Another lady had called 911 in the mean time. The people exchanged information and headed to Wilcox for a vet.
I was shook. I had to recombobulate myself. Obviously police showed up about an hour after they left, late as always.
Joe showed his face online and immediately fired up with excuses. It’s clear he feels justified and not malevolent in his actions. Thinking about meeting up with him gives me a foul feeling. I feel like no matter what he can’t make up for the damage he’s done to me mentally. No remorse or comprehension of his misdeed. What a psychopath. I don’t know what I’m going to do about this yet. I really don’t want to give him back his things anymore either. See how he likes the feeling… but that’s also not me. So much bullshit and discomfort. My head feels heavy about it and I need guidance.
I also missed the chance to chat with my bestie. 😦 I coulda really used some time to talk to her about this one.a chance to translate it to German and gain perspective from inside and another outside.
I took the kids to see “the Thing” at a shell gas station. It’s a museum of conspiracy to put it mildly. I LOVED it. The kids did too, though they definitely weren’t following the story I was reading. Here’s a few snapshots:
On our way to Benson, Galixy fell asleep, so when we pulled into the Safeway, Atreyu and I read a couple books together. When Galixy awoke, I wanted to go buy some Juice, and that was when the Card came up to be missing. I called Whole Foods but they didn’t have it, I could’ve sworn I’d seen it in the bus since anyway, but it was the last place I’d used it. I bought juice anyway and we headed towards the rest area to look there and called the museum. Absolutely nothing so far.
I’m at the end of my rope. The spange has been miserable and now my card is gone. I could just go hawk that bike but it wont make my food stamp reappear. It wont make my door stay closed while driving without a window cracked. “Besides myself” seems a good way to describe it. I’m missing purpose or even just motivation. There’s too much “uck” present.
Right now the boys are “trying to watch a movie” and driving me crazy regardless. Consistent “mom, I need…” s. I need sanity. I might as well just prepare myself for a hard month and be grateful I can feel this shitty still.
I’m not that hard of an ice queen after all… I feel so deeply, but my exterior remains stalwart. Except today I cried a lot and I dont feel done crying yet either.
I’m $40 richer, all in one dollar bills. Only one guy had it in his heart to give me a 20. I was counting the woes of the day when I sat down prepared to dub this a horrible day (by title), but that’s when the puzzle piece of the date fell into place. Oh, this month!
I’m not the kind of person to live in the past, regardless of how rough it is right now. I would take a mental trip back to fiji for some R&R, but that makes me feel like crying harder. I dont feel like the strong woman I was there, not that it was ALL sunshine and unicorns, but then again nothing is. I flew home with confidence, eager to reclaim my babies. Right now, I feel drained and sad and incapable of processing correctly. I dont even know what I want to do. All I can do is give it time and slowly bop into the future.
Loving you!
Matilda the Bugus 