Joe is a grade B scammer. I’m so mad at myself for letting it get to that point and not seeing the red flags clearly for what they were. I mean, what kind of a guy is happy that my boys dont have dad’s? Maybe that’s “less drama” but that’s a wicked thing to say. One of his last statements was “I dont think you realize how bad you hurt me” Gawd, man! I had compassion for you before you screwed me over. I don’t think he understands the confusion my kids endured because we spent 5 days waiting for him, after he made sure they really liked him. I heard a lot of “when’s Joe coming back?” And “can we go *somewhere*”
I have a million thoughts about this and a million more ways of having dissected it. I’m just so done about it. The kids and I packed up everything after spending some wonderful days with my friends who I haven’t seen in a year and a half. They have a kid just a little under a month older than Galixy. The kids really liked having a friend and some extra toys and I really appreciated having some more mom-peer time. I could almost see myself caravanning with them. They are nice people. It just drives me crazy a little when I put my kids to bed and then a little turd bounces around for another 2 hours. That’s all my spare awake time and any child present means my mom senses won’t turn off. I felt incapable of relaxing, but their bed routine isnt my business anyway. Didn’t bother me when I just locked up on the bus, but then theres really no chance for adult time then either. I need the time to turn off from kids. If I had a partner or only one child or daycare time, maybe it would be different. I dont know if it would or not, but the whole bed time thing, being able to put the kids in their beds and walk away, that shit is like the Gold lining in the sunsets strewn with fierce red. I’m not gonna pass out along side the kids by accident anymore. I am taking my adult time. And my sanity is way the better for it. I definitely don’t feel like they’re trampling all over me as much anymore at this moment.
So what did we do after packing up our “new bike”? (I dont want your bike. I want my sanity back and those parts!) Well, we went grocery shopping at a whole foods. Such dankness. That’s something I envy my friend for, they’re consistently dumpster diving and squeezing the free out of capitalism and reducing waste at the same time. I’ve only dumpsterd maybe a handful of times and that’s so silly. It’s because I’m spoiled and picky and generally dont make very healthy food decisions for myself anyway. I need to quit smoking tobacco and the food will fall back into place.
Anyway, I deviated. After groceries, we drove to a truck stop and got kicked out pretty quick. I went across the street and fueled some, but now I’m in a rest area and everything’s looking pretty grim in sense of getting any good spange going. In the morning I’m going to set up my little table. If that doesn’t work, maybe the west bound rest area on our way back to tuscon will be better. I can feel that it’s TRUE. Coming from the west, all the people are so jaded of being hit up for spare dollars, but people coming from the east have a different perception still. At any rate, we’re only a little bit away from seeing “The Thhhing!” At a shell station, according to the billboards. I bet the kids will like it and maybe theres an acceptable lot for me to make more fuel happen. I hope it doesn’t cost anything to get in (gas station sideshows usually don’t) and I feel like I haven’t done anything for the kids the entire last month and now I have no funds. What a shitshow! That’s what I get for not listening to my gut. My walls are up for a reason, if you are worthy of them coming down, you’ll be there in consistency and action.
So, this rest area is called Texas Canyon Rest Area. It looks like the boulders have all been stacked on top of each other. It’s gorgeous. There’s one big pile on our side of the fence that the boys and I thoroughly explored. Galixy got a little sick of climbing, so I put him on my back. Atreyu is getting so good at it that he was going ahead of me just wandering on and I had to stop him and tell him to look around. He was climbing up on the spine of a rock and would’ve gotten himself caught without an easy way down, unless you include slipping and hurting yourself as “easy”.
I’m hopeful that tomorrow’s pace will be back to normalcy.
What a beginning to this year. Getting lost for Christmas and then targeted by a scammer. But a lot of desert warmth and friends. I’ll take all the good I can get and will survive the “bad”. I can only be grateful for the continuous beating of these lifelines here contained in my bus, my heart, and my mind. Not to sound hippiedippy but karma’ll get him on it’s own. By that, I rely on the fact that he’s not as smart as he thinks and will eventually really stick his dick in his own mouth and accidentally bite it. Metaphorically speaking, obviously.
I just think the mental image is great.
Loving y’all
Matilda the Bugus 