Happy FOUR YEAR anniversary of MatildaBugus.com !!
I’m taking a moment of feeling ok to congratulate us! What an adventure we’ve been having. So much LIFE!
It’s been quite the time and yesterday felt heavy, but I knew I needed to write then so I could feel the pressure of posting this today. So the next few paragraphs are last evening. The * will tell when we’re back to present presence
The kids are currently listening to Eldest for bedtime story, the dogs tucked into bed with them. The interstate loudly buzzes not too far but this walmart parking lot is pretty dark for the usual ambiance. Freecampsites.net said it was ok to park here over night. I almost drove on through the rest of Houston to a rest area, but I’ve been feeling super unsure about everything lately…..
Like I woke up last night and couldn’t get back to sleep all the uck was just compounding….
I had a conversation with a friend not so long ago who said they prefer to vent to strangers rather than friends because they don’t want to be defined by their frayed edges in their relationships and that made me wonder if they defined me by my frays (and what that even means?) but the conversation also included letting the offspring see a full humanity vs just the super hero image of adult. So that made me think a lot…. like the iitial thought was defensive that I don’t judge on the frays…. but then also wondering if I don’t just a little sometimes? More so how weakness and showing such is much human and very beautiful.
And from there I continue on my frays with the hope that you see my transparency as just such. Life can be hard and it feels like it’s compounding and I’m wondering if it’s a matter of my faith in good things coming and the great possibilities is wavering. If I’m finally feeling “poor” or financially unstable. Which let’s be real, I’ve never been, I’m just usually thrifty… but the whole break down….
and then this fools errand of making it to New Orleans? I mean…. wtaf is going on in my brain? Why not just enjoy the desert and the people I know there for a moment? Why… OH WHY did I have to just rush into frosty winter flumberland? To have leaks and problems and feel alone and more and more incapable.
So this morning we sat in the other parking lot until about noon. We did school work and then checked whether there was less leak with warmer starting temp than freezing. Sure enough. It was less waterfall.
I went on diagnostics computer hunt but people don’t carry the OBD1 anymore. Drove around Columbus for naught, but considered staying at the walmart and contacting the lovely ladies I met in the area a couple years ago. I thought it would either cheer me or make it all worse. And I was trying to just mindfully sit in my uck feelings. I get to have this human experience and if I feel it now it’s likwly to eventually make room for another feeling.
The whole “Fine” song is about how one should just talk about their feelings instead of continuously saying “everything’s ok” but that also feels like just my interpretation….
* There. we. are. Coffee is hot hot and the kids are doing coloring books. Atreyu is enjoying the more intricate adult coloring books while Galixy is enjoying making everything multicolored.
I’m eager to see the sun come out today. It’s been quite a few days!
Oh yesterday! I was definitely feeling all the ucks of uckington. Like hopeless and overwhelmed by all the nonsense. I reached out like a healthy human, but not with the right words because the response I got hurt more than if I hadn’t, but then I reached out further and Turtle saw that too and grasped my state and assured me that I misunderstood her response that was formulated toward her minorly misunderstanding my communication. … I cried a lot yesterday and living in such small space, my kids will always see my humanity. Atreyu asked at the end of the day if I had a good day and gave me a hug when I said “no, it was hard” but he said he had a good day. He really loves Star Wars….
So, yesterday it was a bit warmer for a start and it did a little less oil leaking, hopefully in the 40* it’ll be even less leakage and cool enough to not overheat and lose oil pressure
At the Columbus truck stop, a kind trucker put $60 worth of Diesel in our tank and once we got to Katy, a kind man named James was all smiles about Matilda. He brought us a box of starburst and a generous Walmart giftcard. I’m hoping one of these walmarts carries an OBD1 diagnostic computer. Oreilley’s doesn’t connect proper and it’s super fun hunting down a mechanic with such. Considering that, I’m going to look if I can’t add it to my amazon wishlist. Would be cool to have and diagnose myself…..
Definitely starting to wish I knew less about this engine…. Though I’m equally grateful for the knowledge I’m accumulating.
On that note, I must reitterate that we do run mainly on your kind donations and I greatly appreciate your contributions. Every little bit helps and gets us to explore just a little more of this exciting world. I accept donations via CashApp: $MatildaBugus and paypal: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/matildabugus
If you’d like to peek at our Amazon wishlist follow the link below. We really appreciate those special wants/wishes/deferred needs finding their way to us possibly via your help! https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/3LUAOP5L0M5FY?ref_=wl_share
We now have merchandise ready for you to order! Represent and support at the same time! We love these shirts and we love you! Check it out!
https://matildabugus.bigcartel.com
CashApp: $Matilda.Bugus
Venmo: available upon request.
Feel more than free to Contact me. You can establish such via the Contact Me page here on the blog, OOOOOOOORRR! get on your facebooks and join the group “Spotting Bugus” or like the Matilda Bugus Page. Also availble on Instagram, Youtube, and the TikToks.
Wishing y’all peaceful weather external and internal.
Matilda the Bugus 