I had such a lovely visit with friends, I was tempted to stay longer, but duty forced me out. I must get on out on the weekends and I really need to get rid of these bugs. I have to move. So, if you see me, please consider putting fuel in our tank. We sorely need it.
And my mental health could too. I’ve been stress dreaming about these bugs. I’ve been dismantling my bus in my dreams panel by panel whilst still on the road and continuously finding more and more bugs in more and more obvious spots and plain sight and it’s disgusting. I wake up grumpy and that makes the kids unwilling to work with me and I get even more upset. Atreyu did well. He’s become such a person.
I cried while driving and my brow became even more set in the wrinkles of a scowl and I barely saw a person give me a thumbs up through all my emotions.
I feel like I’ve forced myself into being the example of kindness because one must be nice to be liked? I’ve bit back too many hilarious comments because of my worry of being received poorly and I just want to spew and be a bit shrewd again. I know I’m in my heart a kind person. I know my heart wants good things for people, so why shouldn’t my mouth be allowed to say some super dumb things, or even defend myself of others judgements? Have I left love and acceptance of myself behind in want of just being loved? Whether it be getting attention from a friend when I feel in short demand or seeing myself as worthy of romantic attention. Whether it be from my abandonment issues concerning friends or the way I was belittled into believing that if he couldn’t love me, nobody could. I’m feeling very low on myself right now and maybe I shouldn’t post me wanting to be more of a bitch again, but, honestly, I know I won’t be acting as such to the point where anybody on here could catch notice. I want to be my smiley version and I want to feel gratitude and help others shine their light, but I HAVE to find a balance where I feel ok to tell some Karen to mind her own and some Chad to fluffing move on down the road.
Like today an elderly guy pulled up to the bus to talk to me about being in Alaska and how amazing it is that the Natives there aren’t politically correct, all because I said I was not a gypsy because a) I’m not Romani and b) I’m not a con-artist, you know the two things that slur actually stands for. I may be a free spirit, but that’s not what gypsy means and I’m getting super sick of ALL the IGNORANCE out here. After that guy wasted my time with his story of why Innuits call Whites “Honks” and I told him we run on donations he told me about how poor he is. Just say no and don’t tie up my time especially whilst my kid runs out and says he must go potty. He seriously tried to keep talking to me after I made it clear I was going into the bus to help my child. Next time I’ll ask if he’d like to keep me until my kid poops his pants so I can fling it at him. That’d get ’em to move on.
We’re at the laundromat and I’m laundrying. We were at the playground and the kids played. I even played a bit to distract my mind some. Which prompted some kids to come up to me to ask me if I could help them all the way across the playground while I was trying to follow Atreyu. Like I much appreciate the thought that I’d be more than happy to assist kids at any time and usually I probably would or would’ve found a gentler way, but today I just said “No, I’m going over the opposite way.”
I want to tell about how awesome my kids played with our friends and that Atreyu got to play a game of pokemon cards and how sweet Kacy is. Jason is super kind, too. He had quite the down day friday night and had only negative things to say and to freak out on his neighbors who just wanted to figure out what was going on, prompting the unification of a neighborhood to never become. Though, whatever… Not my neighborhood. Sorry for the guy with the cool chickens that gave the kiddos teeny tiny easter eggs. Jason said not to trust him though I have no inkling why. Maybe he’d like to come on in defense of hisself.
Anyway, the second day was jason’s day off and he seemed to feel much better. They just bought a bus and are fixing it up to hit the road soon. I had just been wondering if it’s ever happen as they had felt inspired to be able to when I first met them 4 years ago. That day I showed up in a Kangaroo onesie to cheer Peaches up and Jason has called me Momma-Roo ever since. I do kinda really like it. The closest to a rainbow/road name I’ve ever had. Sounds like a staple of honor by all rights.
Again: anyway. I must launder that laundry some more and then I do hope to drive up the road a bit further as these 17 more hours drive are giving me some anxiety. It’s a betwixing between wanting to be in spots to explore but the destination being so far. But I know it’s the journey to get there, but I just want to be bug free. And I know I’ll be feeling them for months after I’ve gotten rid of them.
I don’t need to be rich. I just want to be secure enough to not get bugs in my bed. I just want to not worry about putting all my money into redoing this that I love so much and have nothing left in case something goes wrong mechanically.
Thank Crikett for my smallest amount of feeling not completely alone in it all. Not completely alone in this life. She wouldn’t be affronted if my un-smart mouth started spewing again.
Laundry done. Need a hug. Giving it to myself. Crying again. Anything helps.
I’m grateful for my low das bbecause they make the good days a little clearer. because on low days I wonder about how I can take care of myself and be kinder to myself. because the hard times can make me grow. Because the time I thought myself happiest, I was in fact stunting myself by not seeing the other human wholly either. Because I can deceive myself only on good days. Because the bad days make me feel more human.
Thank you for being here and witnessing my journey. It can’t be all rosey all the time. We all have stress and lows. I hope you’re grateful.
Loving you
Matilda the Bugus 