I am not a psychologist. I am not a scientist. I am not a journalist. I am not transgender. I am not studying transgender, neither do I pretend to know much on the subject at all.
I’m a human. I’m an observer and a mother. I believe in loving your neighbor, whether it’s with religious perspective or purely out of human heart. I’m for acceptance and love and understanding that human perspective varies greatly and affects the reality lived in.
A conclusion is simply the spot where we’ve gotten tired of thinking and an opinion is merely a thought to keep us learning, if left subject for change.
Looking back at the development in research over the last 20 years itself should show how prone to error and expirementation we truly are as humans. Saying it has become fact or natural law because your perception has learned it’s limits for the moment, does not negate anothers experience being completely different on the subject.
After announcing that I simply have no energy for the emotional labor of smiting (subconscious?) cultural transphobia I recently encountered, I started googling for more information. It’s amazing what search engines yield if you’re willing to sit with them for a minute. Even independant search engines yield much of the same data and studies.
From what I’ve seen, research shows to raise healthy and happy children into healthy and happy adults, is to support them and their phases of life-discovery. Outside opinion doesn’t matter especially if you’re not observing the situation from a fair stand point.
Watch out world, mama’s sourcing opinions and I highly encourage you to click links and read for yourself, and not just take my opinion which I’ve generously added below.
https://www.littlethings.com/john-jolie-pitt-name/6?utm_source=MOMcom&utm_content=beingamom_fanpage&utm_medium=Facebook I want to start out with this link, which is a story about a celebrity couple and their child. I’m not a big fan of “celebrity” in general, or especially these two (I don’t know them personally, obviously, I don’t MUCH appreciate the public personas and drama but that isn’t all their fault) but their portrayed acceptance and the stance this tabloid of a webpage takes towards the situation is what we should all aspire to. Respectful and accepting.
https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/publications/suicidality-transgender-adults/
This article of statistics remarks that suicidal thoughts and depression are a side effect of family being unaccepting, facing instances of discrimination and intolerance and that access to gender affirming care is helpful in such instances. Which, from my observations in parent support groups is just as relevant in children as in adults. Adolescents going from dejected and depressed, to coming out, living their true self and feeling so much happier with life. Also, humans in commited healthy relationships are less likely to have a hard transition or suicidal thoughts. It’s all about support, people! We make ourselves feel ostracized enough and to have that affirmed from an outside source can’t be anything but painful. So is preaching acceptance over a body that isn’t yours harmful? yes! We are striving to embody ourselves truly and it’s a journey from a young age. We have to unlearn all of our conditioning to come back to who we truly are.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3043071/
This swedish article is apparently popular to quote. It gets mentioned in many other articles. It spans 30 years and is set in sweden where the populace claims to be more accepting and inclusive. It is 20 years old by now and compares transgender people only to the common populace without inclusion of trauma/acceptance instead of looking at humans who do not transition, therefore it doesnt yield a fair perspective. It’s outddated and non inclusive from even my limited point of view.
https://www.reddit.com/r/TiADiscussion/comments/2yltjj/does_transitioning_reduce_the_risk_of_suicide_in/
I’m not often on reddit and wouldn’t generally consider it appropriate sourcing, but these are people that are in this debate on a deeper emotional level. They are also finding the same lack of numbers studied in relevance to transsexual suicide that I have been seeking because finding that demographic still able to talk to you.. yeah, easy.
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/gradeschool/Pages/Gender-Identity-and-Gender-Confusion-In-Children.aspx
Anyone who knows me, knows I see gender as heavily influenced societal construct, so some verbiage makes me cringe on this article, not for what they intend but because my own “problems.” The baseline, though, shows that consciousness of gender begins at 2, is more strongly developed at 3, and almost solid by 4. Which means that it may be some form of exploration, but it is well in the means of the age group to understand their position on gender. Apparently, they have a better grasp on the difference between gender and sex as well. Respecting their current gender identity, regardless of age and especially at a young age, is so imperative to future mental health. It leads to them having a clear, strong picture of themselves as an individual. “Simply” Ignoring their wishes for your own ethics, opinions or whatever leads to trauma and mental health issues.
https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/boy-or-girl-parents-raising-theybies-let-kids-decide-n891836
Because theybies do exist and are a perspective. I love that humans get to experience diversity. These kids aren’t losing out on a thing. Is it forcing your opinion on your kids? Isn’t everything? Dependant on how you do it. Clear communication leads to opening doors to freedom.
I’m including this picture because I can’t include a link for some reason. technology has gone beyond me again. However, this is a good read and I really do HIGHLY encourage everyone to click on each link and at least skim some information.
Literally SO much information out there about being simply supportive. It’s really a bummer that our search engines and social media is revenue generating oriented to affirm our beliefs, so if you have some studies you feel have relevance to this topic, please feel free to share.
If I give my child options, I see what they go for. If they consistently choose the same thing and refuse the alternatives for their reasons, why would I not facilitate more options they will go for instead of trying to force them into the option that doesnt. Is my facilitation of options the terrible pressure molding them?
A lot of the variations of wording I used to try and extract transphobic results, made me feel like my IQ was dropping typing it out. I really tried my best to find wording that I might’ve used in the past to disprove my caring and supporting my child is the correct way. Just because a human feels a connection to a gender doesnt mean they’re neglecting or disrespecting another one.
Here’s a screenshot of the scrolled down portion on duck duck go because the top really resembles the first page of google too. As with any good research, we don’t just want sponsored things. So what do I do? I check and scroll further into google. page 5-10 are usually unsponsored yet still relevant to search topics.
https://www.heritage.org/gender/commentary/sex-reassignment-doesnt-work-here-the-evidence
This article reads transphobic from the start pointing to the aforementioned swedish study multiple times and basing their standpoint in religion from the start. Because we cannot change this meat suit we live in. It envokes the wrath of God because He made us perfect. First, not everyone believes the same. We cannot make ourselves comfortable in it or shape it to our will. Our outward appearance and body is more importantly perfect than our mind? It has many spots that feel like gaslighting and victim playing. What else to expect from a cis white male? Are they even capable of admiting that their perception isn’t the only thing in this world?
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0956797614568156
I am beyond lucky to have amazing people in my life, especially a very supportive human that seems to help me in every aspect of life. This time with another search engine. This short article compares transgendered youth living their expressed gender just as much as a control group of cisgendered children.
https://scholar.google.com/scholar?hl=en&as_sdt=0%2C27&q=transgender+children&oq=transgender#d=gs_qabs&u=%23p%3DfJCGt-TdRhEJ
This information is totally what people judging need to actually look at. Children that are being supported vs. a viable control group. I wish there was a control group of disrespected kids, but that’s not a very accessible group since they are being denied their self expression. So, from what I’ve observed my hypothesis is that those children are generally not very happy. Some may be denying their selves for a long time because of a small comment, even as simple as “Surely you’re just playing.”
https://scholar.google.com/scholar?hl=en&as_sdt=0%2C27&q=transgender+children&oq=transgender#d=gs_qabs&u=%23p%3D8WXDMT6pHtEJ
The above two photos go with this above link. It is a 28 page read starting with the summary of a movie. I really don’t feel like this speck of information really needs more commenting on.
https://scholar.google.com/scholar?hl=en&as_sdt=0%2C27&q=transgender+children&oq=transgender#d=gs_qabs&u=%23p%3DCOUJtI9vdU8J
The more I look on scholar, the more affirmed I feel (oh media, oh media! this is how you release endorphins *tune of oh christmas tree*) gender non conforming children, AND their siblings (yay) are more aware that gender is a fluid thing. I.e. they are accepting and supportive to their fellow humans. SAVING LIVES!
I want to point out here as well that these voices have been suppressed for a very long time. There used to be legal reprocussions for not dressing your genitals in the properly designated construct. Speaking out at that time would’ve been terrifying. It was until recently, and now these things are still ingrained in our culture. It might not be as obvious anymore but denying someone their self expression is mentally harmful. Mocking or questioning them intensively leaves marks on a psyche. It may seem like a simple thing to you, but if your 4 year old daughter comes up and asks “What if I’m a boy?” and your answer is “don’t be silly you have the sex organ of a female!” that feels like shame to the child. Maybe not to you. what might be the least harmful approach? “What makes you say that?” or “Why do you feel that way?” and maybe showing them examples of not being the only ones feeling that way? Reassuring that you love them regardless of anything else.
I can be as anti-gender constructs as I want to be as a human, but that changes very quickly when your four year old says that it is important to them. And that’s the nitty gritty, folks, my younger child has gender identity “questions” and by that I mean, my little human is very certain that their assigned birth gender does not match their true identity. Could it be a stage of exploration? yes! All stages of life are. Did I have opinions on “transgenderism” before this experience? certainly! But those opinions went where they belonged. In the trash. Do I know for a fact my kid will want to have surgery or hormones one day? No. I don’t know that. It is not my job to make you comply to my perspective. Neither do I wish to force my observations on anyone. I’m more than willing to discuss with open minded individuals. I’m not here to argue gender identity and what may happen in the future with my child. It is, after all, not up to me to decide for them. I’ve never applied heteronormative expectations on my children, which by no means correlates to pressure against heteronormativity. My heart is open for who they are as a human being and what will make them most happy.
Does that mean I’m not going to prepare myself mentally for the case that my younger child may experience body dysphoria when hormones kick into their bodies? Would I have researched the eventuality without previous indications, no? Does that mean I’m going to tell my kid all about that and that it will happen to them? no. I’m simply preparing myself for the signs. Just like when my elder child seemed to show symptoms of possible type one diabetes. I researched so my eyes were open. So I could help my child get the help they needed in the eventuality of more accute symptoms. I didn’t feed my child a diabetes sugar test because of a suspicion. I just observe their needs, fulfil them, and observe the reaction for better judgment of their needs. Or perspective. because one judgement negate all others before while some judgements remain a while and these become situational.We’re not super computers or infallible. Simply human exploring this earth and life.
This day and age is way more accepting than 50 or even 20 years ago. That doesn’t mean that it isn’t a hard life, still, to be different. People don’t choose to be ostracized or denied their self expression. They don’t ask to be mocked. They simply ask to express themselves and be loved. Have I always dreamt of having a daughter. Undenieably, superficial longings I could feel shame for based on my anti gender rhetorik. Does that mean that I was hoping one of my AMAB kids would be trans? No. I didn’t wish my kids to be anything that doesn’t please them.
I also want to include societal spectrums here. In highschool there were cliques and the evolved into way more diverse spectrums. How much did you know about another cliques on goings, and then looked at every clique in school in detail? There are sublevels to sublevels in each factor, and then to divide that into the multiverse adults live in of opinion matters, it’s impossible to psycho analyze each to my satisfaction. And so we form opinions on these factions to make ourselves ok with whatever in our existence. Sometimes those opinions keep us from the deeper levels of understanding why this human being is acting or thinking the way they are, while someone engrained in that culture sees it as completely obvious and coherent. In this heteronormative society we put LGBTQ+ all in the same faction, while they have each their own societal structure and set up. That just means to me that while they have something in common (like the fight for equality) from the surface we can’t say that they are all peace love and community or only strifing drama queens, depending on your media exposure perspective, probably. They are all still individuals but if come at in the “wrong” way, they bristle the same in defense and someone who hasn’t been asked the same -phobic question a million times wonders why their “good natured curiosity” received such response.
When someone says “that was racist/-phobic/-priviledged/etc.” ask why if you don’t understand. Words have power and just jumping on a defense is like an automatic response we don’t have to abide by.
Surely, the objective above all is healthy, happy children. Scientifically and socially we’ve reached the conclusion that the best course is to support your child.
Here, a story that gives hope of normalcy and real human support and love.
I’m a fortunate human being for the humans who’ve crossed my path. It seems this piece is inspiring a journalist in me after all. With curiostiy and love for sharing, I contacted a friend for their Gender bending experiences of life.
I got in touch with Zander, a friend for the last 4 or 5 years. He’s an amazing human with strength and love in his heart, experiencing this life uniquely.
I can’t say enough how grateful I am to know such a strong and caring individual as Zander. Speaking to him made me more curious, though, and it didn’t take much thought to remember another amazing human being having their own experience.
Cody has been a friend for a very long time. She blessed me with her time to give us a look into her reality:
You recently started hormone treatment? How are you doing with that?
I did. I started back in August. So far things are going well. I’ve noticed slight changes physically and emotionally. I actually just went up on my dosage of hormones last week, so now I should be seeing significant changs within the next month. Honestly, it’s the most exciting thing for me right now.
I’m super excited for you too! Is all of your family supportive?
Yes, all of my family has been very supportive. Althoough, my dad wasn’t at first. But that was years ago. He has come a long way since then. I’m very appreciative of that. I can’t imagine going through this without my family by my side.
When did you first suspect anything?
I was very little, even before kindergarten. I just knew I was female. But it mainly hit me when I was about 14. I tried to hide it for as long as I could out of fear, but there’s only so much you can bottle up before it starts bursting at the seams. But, yes, I was very little when I first realized who I truly was.
What made you feel afraid to live your true self? Full disclosure, I knew too. I loved playing with you and who you are.
See that makes me happy! Knowing people knew made it less scary. I was mostly afraid of being rejected by everyone. It wasn’t very common here at that time. I remember in middle school, when I became more comfortable expressing myself, teachers became concerned that I would get bullied. It scared the hell out of me to be told that other kids and parents might not be as accepting as my family was. That’s when I realized I wasn’t normal in societies eyes and it literally tore me apart. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me.
That makes me sad. Their fear of others acceptance. They could’ve tal to the other kids rather than make you feel singled out.
Do you wish you could’ve been born a girl?
Yes, I do. I wish so much I didn’t have to go through all of this nonsense.
What do you wish for in the future?
I just wish eventually no one has to go through all of the pain and depression brought on by not being accepted by society. I hope that one day I can live happily with my boyfriend and not be scared of all the judgment and hate. At some point we have to move forward with this being a normal thing. I hate how everything is so segregated.
Would you say you’re feeling mentally healthier living your true self than before?
Yes, I can truly say the last month, I have felt so much more confident and I have almost completely pulled myself out of depression. It really is the most amazing feeling and I hope everyone going through this can get to this mentality.
What would you want to say to gender defiant kids and/or their families?
Just to keep their heads up and to keep fighting this battle. It will get better. I know we have already come so far. And to never hide who you really are because you’re scared of what people might think or say. Know there are so many of us out here supporting you. No one has to do this alone.
Thank you so much for giving me your time. First hand experience is so valuable for others understanding. You’re such a beautiful woman. I’m proud to know you.
I’m glad to help and happy to see people bringing awareness to this.
Having known Cody for a while, I wish I would’ve had the thought to tell her back in Childhood that it would be ok and I’d heard of other people like her before, but I was a kid myself and didn’t see Cody as very different either. Looking at our world as heteronormative is an outdated ideaology. It’s taken a lot of strength from amazing humans to get us to this point of understanding and it would be a shame to disregard it all or even a major portion for our own perspectives sake. There are not just Women and Men, and to prove such, I got in contact with another fantastic human who identifies as non-binary.
What are your pronouns?
I use they/them for myself.
When did you first suspect you were more comfortable with other pronouns than you were assigned at birth? Also, when did you know for sure and come out?
A few years ago now, after being further introduced to the queer community on the road.. I already knew that I was pansexual from a young age, so realizing the fluidity of who I am in other aspects such as gender came pretty naturally to me as I learned about the nonbinary spectrum. When I came out, I realized that she/her pronouns made me cringe and simply didn’t feel right. I was finally in a place where I felt comfortable doing so about two years ago.
Can you tell me a little about the nonbinary spectrum? I know some people that are completely foreign to the topic and have no basis to grasp it.
I can try! So basically, I am neither a man nor a woman, many people fall between these two binary terms that are really a part of a very broad spectrum of genders. Nonbinary is a spectrum within itself. Some people feel like a mix of genders, some people are fluid between genders and some people are sp,etjomg completely different and don’t necessarily fall into any of these categories.
Each perspective builds the spectrum a little differently, so te variations are andless in itself. How did your family/ friends react to you coming out?
Everyone was fairly accepting. Basically everybody has done an awesome job at (at least) making an effort to bare through the slight adjustment it can take to switch pronouns. Minus my dad, he acts accpeting but still uses the wrong words when referring to me.
One out of many isn’t a bad statistic, but how do you feel about that?
I basically take it at face value and it reminds me that my chosen family is 9 out of 10 wayyy cooler.
Did it have a mental effect on you coming out and living your true self?
It’s always a weird process focusing on figuring out who you truly feel comfortable as, and both relieving and frustrating at times.
How does your experience shape the way you raise your own child?
I think often about using they/them pronouns for my child, but I use them interchangeably as I want him to express who he is in his own time and not feel stigmatized by my own queerness, if that makes sense.
It does! We, as parents, are generally analyzing and worried about the impact we make on our kids. Would you prefer to go by Terin or Wrenches?
I definitely swing loosely between both names.
Thank you so much for your time, you amazing human.
A trend becomes clear to me. Family support is appreciated, but as Terin points out, it really shows who your true family is whether they respect your wishes or not, and we mostly wish for a more accepting and inclusive future. Really, it doesn’t take a whole lot of effort to be respectful, a little bit of an inconvenience getting used to changing pronouns, but it’s either us making the change or forcing them into psychological discomfort and having them accept our unwillingness to see their true shining beauty because we’ve placed our own expectations of what their nature is. Support isn’t something you get over time after you show some level of commitment to it. Support is given freely and we cannot support another in a way unfitting to them.
If a family has a child expressing themselves gender variant, the best thing to do is be on the child’s side for choice of their expression. A parent like me, in the midst of discovering and supporting their young spawn in their self expression and journey, isn’t generally wanting to go on an education spree. We are faced with our own emotional labor facing whether we’re doing right by our child, if we’re introducing them into accepting and friendly environments, social transitioning and close family and friends acceptance and outing and the mental welfare of our child during those things. What the next steps re, how others have managed, if there’s local support and when counseling is needed, if such is even covered by your insurance policy, will my elder child be included on that counseling…. That list goes on and then we hit my own unique situational questions like how does this impact my travel and long term living goals.
I sincerely hope that my work here helps even in the smallest amount. I hope we can all agree that we can honor all gender, regardless of which we embody. I hope we can come together and lift each other up. I hope you share a smile today!
Matilda the Bugus 