Atoka

The sun is shining through the downpour. It was probably raining hardest as I flung the tarp over the Bug. Getting drenched from the drivers side, thoughts of lightning crossed my mind, but I hadn’t seen or heard any since this morning and I’d definitely kept my ears out since the Tornado watch warning I found on my phone before I had pulled out. Some unaccustomed to this season in the midwest might call this move risky, but tornados have some sure signs and they issue warnings when weather conditions seem favorable. I’m definitely not messing with dangers.

This morning we were still at Sonny and Scotts. A few days ago there were a couple people over and some events transpired that I don’t really agree with being around my children. I mentioned that I would remove myself and the children. I wanted to take the time to let things settle and clean up the bus some more before heading out. However, today Sonny made it clear that it was difficult for him to be around me any longer, even accusing me of using him when I’ve been nothing but transparent and honorable towards him. I don’t want anyone to think poorly of Sonny. It’s my own problems standing in the way of something that might’ve been wonderful. I’m my own problem. I have to deal with me and who I am. I do the best that I can with what I have and I often feel like I’m a terrible person, the worst imposition. But I do the best I can every day and I’d rather live my truth and be seen as terrible by someone than change who I am or do something I’m uncomfortable with.

I’m already trying to rise to unvoiced expectations. Blindly stabbing into this world and repeatedly fucking up because nobody can just openly tell me what the fuck they want from me. Is this the trend? After some intense recent developments, Saliha jumped to help me out and I think she identified the knot I’ve been fumbling with blindly. She shone a spot light and I feel like I finally found some sort of hint as to how I can mend my own broken self. And I want to. I know that it’s only a small part, but at least there’s something I can look at and maybe someday have a chance of a semi normal relationship with anyone. I especially need to fix it with my children. For my children. They come first.

And on that note I’ve had some thoughts. My transmission isn’t doing well and I still need the codes run. No diesel mechanic in the vicinity and the kids have voiced a want for settling down. I’m NOT making any decisions in troubled times but I’m giving it thoughts. Spoken with people who would like to look into a property purchase. One of the first thoughts was going back to Home culture to Austria. But my mom pointed out that there may be some restrictions I want to avoid, so the thought of South America arose. I *could* drive my bus down there if it lasts long enough. Maybe I could get a big truck (since that’ll probably be very handy having property down there) and refurbishing the bus to a pull behind while the engine is still worth something? First thing I need really is money and I don’t want to save donation money so hard that I can buy property. I mean, that’s a good cause though….

I really don’t know. I feel like I should just follow my nose and hope for the best. Go slow and take it easy on the bus and find a shop as soon as possible.

I’m currently receiving suicide threats from Sonny, and while I know he’s heart broken, I don’t feel like he’s being fair or honorable. I’m certainly not taking my kids back into that energy. So I messaged Dot’s best friend. Maybe she can help. Help him better than I can. He doesn’t seem to hear what I have to say.

I’m really curious as to how this will go. Where this life will take me. I’m really trying my best to do good in this world. To at least not harm anyone by being myself.

I’m grateful for my amazing friends. I’m grateful to keep my eye open for little glimpses of truths. No matter how painful. I’m grateful to finally have some purpose even in being lost. I’m grateful for my amazing friends.

I hope you and your loved ones are well. I hope you’re grateful.

Loving you