Yesterday was library day. We spent hours reading, playing puzzles and some time on the kids computers doing games.
After the library I wanted to go for a walk, but the boys got rowdy and Galixy ended up taking a nap. So I cooked potatoe soup, apparently all for myself, cause neither boy touched it. They ate apples and healthy snacks instead. When it got dark and we were still parked at the library, just getting ready to head to blm, a guy in a white van, claiming to be the parking lot manager pulled up telling us we couldn’t park over night but that “he got it, cause he was living in his van too, but couldn’t extend the hospitality of this parking lot.” That gets a big eye roll from me. I know Lake Havasu rules. Still really awkward.
Atreyu did amazing with his reading last night too and both were ok with doing bed time at a reasonable time. At which point I went to lay in my bed.
This morning was rather rough on me. I cleaned everything completely. and took the kids to the museum. We learned a lot about the area from the video and then the exhibit was fairly small and basic, but followed the video. I had no idea the London bridge here was the ACTUAL London bridge back in the day, rebuilt. How cool! that founder guy in the 1950’s (what a young town) was just reaching for the stars.
Now we’re back at the park. I gave the kids the options between laundromat and playground. Obviously they chose the playground. Not a bad choice since this seems to be the money making spot in Havasu for us. Got $6 while killing off that potatoe soup. Atreyu and Galixy are off being kids and Rhea is being a dog, sniffing out the area.Chikkie is sleeping. The artist is back and I’m tempted to ask him to paint on Bugus, but I have no way of repaying him for it, so I won’t.
The kids ended up playing in the volley ball sand court for hours! I had someone remark on it since they were literally 20 yards away from the jungle gym, but so entertained by just that space and the sand. Chikkie ended up coming out and roaming a little. When I called to load up, he was the first one to jump in. What a cool cat.
Lots of people came by and talked with me about the bus. Two cool guys gave me a 20. They were super cool asking about the bus and then the kids. They told me to keep raising them kids right. I can only try my best but it feels great to get some recognition.
I did some dishes (mostly my potato soup needed cleaning up) and cleaned the toilet again. It’s gotten a bit stinky in the bus and I think some kind of seal or something is leaking and making a mess.
After the park we went to Safeway for some creamer and Atreyu talked me into another Pizza, which I feel was a mistake. We bought the deep dish and it took 40 minutes in the oven and I really didn’t like it. The boys didn’t know the difference between this and normal pizza, though, except that we waited long to eat it and ate strawberries as appetizers. I let them watch “when Marnie was here” which gets me every time anyway, not to mention on a day when I don’t feel exactly clear headed.
I really wonder why I feel like such an imposition to life, others, and myself. I can see how I’m imprinting it on my kids, too. I was cross with them because they were happily chattering, not even too loud, and I wanted to tell them to quit. I held myself back though, luckily. They get themselves in trouble enough, especially atreyu with his spoiled attitude today. They don’t need me to impose silly stuff on them just because I feel like we’re imposing. I’m consistently apologizing for the space I’m taking up, the space my dog and my kids take up. As if my bus is the roadblock in everybody’s way to achieve their things and my thing is so miniscule anyway. Feeling this way sucks. I would like to feel like my own journey is important. As important as everyone else’s. My procreating seems to have impositioned my family and their fathers, but not enough. They aren’t present. They aren’t contributing. How dare they think this is acceptable? How dare anybody ever assume that I wouldn’t prefer to fight some penis-wielder about stand points and do-things, than to have them not be involved and continue the cycle of absent parents? Do I think they’d try to stop me from traveling? I doubt it, but if they’d try or care to try, maybe there’d be some way to come to an agreement. As it is, right now, I’m terribly angry that I’m not seeing a word from either dad. Maybe I should take them to Austria and hook up some child support from Marcus, he’d be easier to track down now as he’d be unsuspecting and has been holding a stable position? At least easier to track down than he was 5 years ago, not at his registered address and jobless. I don’t think he would’ve changed his mind about wanting kids and he probably still wouldn’t want to meet Atreyu… and it would break his account to back pay 3 years. It’s not even like I really WANT child support, but I’m struggling and it isn’t fair to the kids. I don’t want to bad mouth their dad’s to them ever, but I also don’t want them thinking that this absence is “ok” or acceptable. They’re gonna be fine humans, but it will really hurt if they end up being absent parents themselves…
It’s getting chilly and late and I still need to add pictures to this. Sometimes it’s cool, looking at where I think I’ll have a picture for and then finding like 5 more that I forgot I took. Then I get to add captions! yay!
Laney’s crampy, bloaty, and emotional… I know what kind of visit I can expect in the next day to week.
Stay grateful, you! Cause I love you. It won’t always be bad. We’re all working on healing…
Matilda the Bugus 