So, This post is a mess, and I’m standing by it. Ha. I rearranged it, and waiting for the proper time to publish. The end of it was once the beginning, but it is very sad and deep, and there is “more important” stuff for you to read. I’ll make it clear where it turns so you can decide for yourself how much you want to dwelve into my upset. But now I’ve come so far that I feel having it start with that will detract from the message I’m trying to bring across.
At this moment, the bus is half packed! It’s november 16th, a day after Rhea dog’s birthday. It is morning time and cold but the weather report promises at least some “warmth” and sun, even for a couple more days. 2 days ago we put some Crikett build finishing touches on, I still have some spaces to flesh out, but that’s a moving in project. Crikett and her family have worked some magic. A lot of it was Crikett brain muscle, some heavy Sam muscle, a little brother Jeremy muscle, some Ron muscle and all their tools and minimally purchased new. A lot of scraps and ends of their old projects. I’m so grateful! Grandma Kathy helped so much with Kid watching and Atreyu got to spend some time with his Omi. Atreyu’s school was sad to see him go, though the kids got to have a popcorn party. Atreyu’s teacher hooked us up to the max with so much material so we can keep in touch and par with the class. It will be hard for e since they do 3-4 days of school and we do more naturally. The reading schedule will be easiest to folllow, I think.
I’ve been organizing and sorting and meeting up to say good bye to those I can. Once again, my time here has passed and I didn’t get to see half the people I wanted to. There will be next summer, if they can find the tie and strength (no judgement. sometimes it just doesn’t happen. So grateful for the time and strength any one musters for me)
I best get to work and finish this off later, on my next “break”.
The bus is pretty full. I have a few more things needing to go in and lots to clean before I can leave. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed on and off. A hectic tie and not much time for anything. I didn’t eat until 3 PM, at which time I shoveled a bowl of cereal in my face. My guts are rumbling from the milk. Not painful just gurgly. Lactose intolerance with a built up tolerance?
I’m dreading this editing process because it requires skimming to pain and adding photos, but I’m determined to get this done before I sump into some sims. I’m almost too tired. Sims 4 was like 10$ so I couldn’t not virtual escape to a different life. I just had to see the new upgrades and maneuverability. I played sims as a kid, sims 2 as a teen, during my pregnancy with atreyu sims 3 was out and I indulged myself then…. and now. I tried playing on xbox but I prefer PC. It’s crazy with the life you can lead. My favorite house is an artist spy and a botanist coexisting. I just really like watching what drives them and fulfilling their needs. I wish I had bars to monitor myself. Like visually accessible in a notebook I can loose. What would be really handy would be the timer on my emotional waves. feeling playful for 5 hours. Feeling grief for 2 days…. lol.
Enough sidewind. I’m excited but not really fathoming. Heading south in less than 24 hours? gotta stop at my dad’s, should call them first. Gotta make some fuel happen somehow. Gotta do this thing.
So from here we have a time warp, we’re going back, but technically it’s the middle. It has some foreshadowing included because it’s the immediate future. Right now, I’m just grateful for anyone who even gives me a little time, not to mention a full blog read worth of time, so, Thank you. But again, I shall give you a heads up, before you enter what lies below….
Loving you!!
Nov 6th:Today was parent teacher conference for Atreyu. His teacher is super. She had a lot of kind things to say about him including that you can tell we read a lot and have been out in the world. His stories are amazing and she’s excited to actually see them written proper instead of gibberish. We also talked of our leaving and she’ll be sending us with material, doing something for his going away as celebration and we’ll stay connected with her and class through our school communication app! It will make it such a blessing for us and the class.
We’ve been doing a lot of work on the bus! Having a team really makes it fly and be manageable. Bigger project than I think they anticipated, or at least longer, but I feel like it’s all knocked into place. The kids are getting separate bunks on a side, so I’ll have plenty of room and still plenty of projects. But we can do it!
I’m so grateful to Crikett and her family for giving us their space, time, effort, ingenuity, patience and so much more! This is the kind of big hearted family people crave in their lives, but have issues being. Solid foundation and structure and value for each other.
On that note, my mom has atreyu for “this week” so he can attend school and be in that normal environment for it. I really didnt expect my mom to agree to it, but she did and that makes it very easy and handy on getting work done at night and without getting me and Galixy shipped around. She’s had a lot of time shipping kids off to school, so I wouldnt have blamed her too much for saying no. I wouldve understood where shes coming from though it wouldve made it harder and with it my heart. Fortunately, she agreed to help out. Crikett and Sam took us out to dinner before we brought Atreyu to Omi. He is SO excited to have some time with her and go to school. Probably feeling super independant!
So, with the bus: crikett and Sam purchased a pop up camper not too long ago and sam pulled it apart. Crikett’s doing most of the interior designing. All I’m doing is saying what doesnt work for me and why some stuff does, handing tools, some screwing, and little muscle torques that also fail. I have a huge bump on my head from a shelf bracket I’ve used and reused over the years. Everything should look neat and tidy and be handy and organizable! Super exciting.
It’s starting to turn around some for me… deep breaths. I’ve had a couple rough spots over the past few days, a sleepless night of tears, and a break down about the way atreyu was affected by Sam’s asking him not to do something, which wasnt harsh at all but triggered that lack of male adult feeling of sorts. I almost feel unable to post the beginning of this, because this want of dissolving dissipated with all the humdrum and activity.
TIMEWARP!!*
Halloween and my birthday came and went. I felt ok for a handful of days. Probably because of technological distractions and such. I’m kinda forcing myself to write through my hard times. I’m feeling weak and crumbly a lot. especially this morning. Got overtaken at night, but I’ll get to that later.
Crikett had a kid halloween party, so we got Atreyu out of school early so we’d have plenty of time getting dressed. part of that was that we needed a ride and Crikett needed to set up. The kids had fun playing. We had a mini birthday party with awesome cake before other guests arrived. I got a birthday card and a promise to have Crikett’s family men help me finish the bus this week. That is such a huge present. I’m not sure I thanked them properly, but that’s kinda hard fathoming that it’s happening. Adult sceptism. If I was to trust someone with fulfilling something like this, it’d be crikett, but there are a few more worries with it. I’m just scared.
We went trick or treating and the boys got lots of candy. At first Galixy didnt want to play along, but then I talked him into it by telling him I wouldnt get any candy if he didnt get some to share with me. He became all about it and showed me everything he got one house at a time. I had a couple drinks and enjoyed the company before Crikett drove us home.
On my birthday, I ate cake and took a long shower. I played a lot of sims 4. My mom had bought me the fleece lined leggings and a nice long sleeved pocketed dress. I did laundry and played with the kids. In the evening, my mom took us out to eat. It was a mellow birthday full of electronic well wishes.
******This is where I take a dive. Maybe the moment you’ve been waiting for since you’ve began reading. It is the most dreaded thing for me to publish. So, if you’re kind, you’ll stop reading. Now, I find it embarrasing, but it’s a part of me and I aim to be as raw as possible. So this going out, makes e vulnerable. I hope you see it for what it is, my expression of who I am and not a cry for help. A cry to be understood maybe, yes, but I like puzzles and my complexities are almost as interesting as others, so let me lay myself bare:
Yesterday I did fairly little and woke up in the middle of the night and didnt fall asleep for hours. I wrote a little but tears kept me from doing much. It was getting light before I fell asleep again. Those following dreams were realistic but trivial.
I was unhappy when I got up and it got exacerbated. And this came out of me:
Today is the perfect day to stop living. Today would be great to die. I walked to the creek and prayed for the strength to end it. I’m worth nothing. I abuse my children. They’d be better off without me. Everyone would be. Oh, please give me the strength to be done. I sat in the snow a while. I put my feet in the icy stream and imagined it being big enough to pull me under. What a piece of shit human I am. How much better it would be for everyone if I wasnt here.
My mom came out and pulled me up, admonished me and herded me towards the house. Told me to get it together. I hid in the bus. My feet no longer exist. Lucky them. I’m too much of a coward to do it. The icy water doesnt seem like a good way to die. However, I dont want to live anymore…. this sucks and I primarily bring pain. I suck and everyone knows and agrees. What was I ever expecting from my family. A little compassion? How foolish of me to think they’d give me time or understanding.
And then I spoke to MJ, made myself broad in the group chat. I sat in the bathroom after sneaking out of my bus. The only warm place with a lock. I warmed my feet and cried more. I should be packing my stuff, but.i havent lifted a thing. Mentally blocked. Physically limp.
Maybe you wondered what I wrote in the middle of the night. I have too. All i remember is it wasnt happy:
I woke up in the middle of the night
Just to try to cry myself back to sleep.
I failed
My flaws ballooned in me. My self hate and pity overtook my sleepy mind.
Insecurities shattered my drowsy.
These tears dont sing lullabies. They spew knowledge of being insufficient. They tell me exactly how I’m obsolete and nobody would miss me.
They point out how alone I am.
No sleep for the wicked and ungrateful.
Telling me how badly I fucked up my life.
How I’m the worst part of my life.
I wish I was crazy enough to end this all
It’s a new day, and my self loathing went down a little.
I kinda have thoughts of movement, but I also haven’t heard from Crikett. I’ve thought about messaging her to confess my inability to get things together. But it’s remained a thought. Just as I haven’t managed to reply to some important people. Just incapable over here. I’m so angry at myself. I read a lot of stories to the boys yesterday before bed, to make up for my incompetence yesterday. They truly deserve better than me…. They deserve more.
I cry so much it hurts my head. Every day a tear induced headache. My boobs and nipples ache. I’m crampy and gassy. I’m still a miserable pile of shit and all the pregnant people around me, more than usual it seems, make my heart ache. Any kind of family, really… any semblance of support…. how did I end up like this? My independence leaving me isolated… being lonely truly is an epidemic. How do we form true connections? And how the fuck do I keep myself from ruining everything out of fear again?
I feel stupid and silly most of the day. I looked up if it’s even possible to have my kids adopted. It is, but they note often about the individual attachment that has formed…. I hurt thinking about it. I asked both kids if they wouldnt rather have a new mommy and probably even a daddy. Galixy almost started crying. Atreyu surprisingly also said he likes me…. and here I am feeling insufficient and unworthy.
I just want to disappear. Never have existed in the first place. Never have made any decisions to lead me to this situation.
I’ve been listening to some joe dispenza and what he says makes sense. I just cant step into it right now. I hurt so much. I dont want to hurt. I try to keep my head up at least a little and then a new blow swings right into my gut or onto my head, wherever I’m not currently guarding… until im curled in a ball on the ground… hiccuping and hurting.
My bus has been here a day. It doesnt matter where we are here in montana. I hurt and it sucks. I want to be a mom. I also dont want to exist the way I do. A few months ago I wouldve insisted I dont want anymore kids… now, I feel this loss so deep…. I would love another kid, but I dont want to raise kids all by myself. I want someone to partake and contribute. I’ve been so at my end of the rope, and the people giving me slack, saving me, really shouldnt have to… they didnt create these lives that I struggle to maintain.
I’ve been thinking of messaging DJ to see where that stands, how mad he is… I was considering sending him the obsidian piece. I wouldnt give that up very easily, but if someone would get it, then him… I was going to write him with an apology, but our last part of conversation still leaves me feeling empty. I’m coming to terms with my feelings of loss about this. Kinda. I’m very aware of my reasons and feelings about what happened. It could have been different. It wasn’t. Maybe I feel more capable of possibly having another child in the future if the relationship is right and solid. Maybe I feel ok with it just being my boys and I for our family. Gonna give it some good intention and feeling. Some openness and love. I dont want my boys to feel like their family was ever broken…
We’ve made it out of the darkness! If you’ve read through this whole thing you ought to know that a depressed perception of what is real is super off. My mom tries really hard to do her best. We are so similar. I’m probably very loved, it’s just hard to feel when you’re incompetent of loving yourself. I really want to stress, that my hormones were inbalanced, natural grief processing in progress. I’m not usually suicidal, neither do I actually wish to give my boys up. I love them very much and try to show them an open world.
Now to get to writing up the new leg of the journey!
Loving you! so grateful ❤
Matilda the Bugus 