A beautiful good day to you all! Today is a bright warm day and I’ve been busting out the bus. The bunk bed is sturday, the piano table is in, the Shelf/ kid ladder is forming. I’ve got to see about when I can go grab that seat from Crikett. Yay!
Tonight is Halloween Carnival at Atreyu’s school so we’re planning on going. The boys are excited. Atreyu’s gonna be an ostrich rider and Galixy a Bat.
I spent yesterday grieving. I didn’t feel good at all. I cried so much in the afternoon, I got a headache before bed. So I feel really elated about my better mood and motivation today
So we went to the carnival. It wasnt as bad for me as I had expected. The kids looked a little dejected to me, but they said they had fun.
That night it snowed and hit 20*F. Today is colder. It’s quite demotivating and I’m stuck in my head. This makes me easily irritable. I’ve stopped bleeding. Tears have taken the chance to overwhelm me at least once a night, but this morning, I remembered how I felt about the pregancy. How scared and embarrassed I was. How I was planning on hiding it from my family. The verbal reassurance I got that wasn’t portrayed in action, like who takes over a month to figure out that their vehicle isn’t salvagable. Just one example of where impatience got a hold of me. call me your family and prioritize helping someone else over getting yourself lined up. I didn’t want to sit around feeling helpless and not getting anything done. Parties and alcohol over getting your ducks in a row, not on my books. If your ducks are in rows, and you have some leeway to party, by all means…. I just couldn’t. I might have not done what I believe in, but I also wasn’t going to take chances that big on words and inaction.
My birthday is coming up in 5 days. It’s not my favorite day of the year. I feel honored by well wishes, but I feel about the day like I feel about myself today. Inadequate. I’m ordering myself new warm leggings and a dress. Crikett’s mentioned cake. What I really need is my bus to get done XD I want to be heading out. This last day was almost fun working on it… I should get back on it. Piecing together with the little bits of wood I have left. It’s quite fun. Wood and brackets. They’re so handy when building off the sides and top. I need to call Catie and visit her. I hate calling just for asking for stuff. I don’t think telling her about my experience is the best, since she’s unable to have kids of her own. But I’m also not one to compromise myself and who I am. Plenty of reasons to dislike me. I blame no one… but myself. but I’m the one living my life. and I’m the one needing to be ok with who I am… *deep breath* Whatever. I’ll feel good about myself again in due time. Best thing to do is love on myself even if I don’t really like me right now. Pft. I want sweets.
I’ve been getting contacted by various friends today, and I love them and their attempts, but I feel like a black hole. Alone. Full vaccume chaos mode. All their love is just sucked in and disappears in the void that are my feelings. Every minor thing seems crushing and irritating and there’s no compassion or love coming at me physically, Just virtually…. and I feel so far off, I don’t feel it’s warmth. This depression is real. And it’s extremely hard to find compassion for myself right now.
I didn’t work on the bus, I layed puzzles with the kids instead.
I can’t finish this off on a good note right now. I must save in drafts and continue conclusively brighter.
It seems like there’s no current of getting better.
I wanted to finish with an honest loving you, but honestly, I just need as much love sent my way as possible right now.
So as an end note, let me add the poem I wrote this morning:
I didnt want to be alive today,
So I got up early.
I got all my crying done before the house awoke.
I didnt want to be alive today,
So getting up early seemed unavoidable.
I have others I try to instill the joy of living.
I am dark in myself. Darkness so consuming, I wonder where my light went.
If it will ever return.
I feel so long gone.
A wish for cozy blanket forts and movies to heal my soul.
But it seems hard and far and no help near by.
And so my coffee swallows my tears, and I swallow my coffee.
Over the boulder that is my throat.
I’ve no light to shine on anyone. Nothing to conjure from. Just this hole of black with a lock that has no key.
Playing dire scenarios and knowing they will get no rest till the final notes subside. No shortage of sheets. Imposing and threatening. Griping and threatening.
“Nobody loves you.”
I threw away something out of fear.
My payment feels too dear.
Just to glimpse and work through life.
Grief and pain are real.
Matilda the Bugus 