Hello all!
It’s been a minute since I’ve posted an actual update. Gotta admit I’m moving kind of slow.
I’m recovering, cramping but the morning sickness left immediately which is a relief in itself. I’ve been mostly tinkering. I did the floor to the best of my current abilities, put my drivers seat back in, and started on the bunk bed. That’s it so far. Dwindling wood supply. No money left. Woohoo!
I also managed to wrap some pendants. Two were the stones I held during the proceedure. I’ve been keeping them close. I’ve got to say that I’m still processing. It keeps falling into my brain. I miss DJ. His arms around me were so gentle and firm, it even comes into my dreams. How I wish it would’ve happened differently. That the abortion debate had been raised on a different ground. That I wouldn’t have been living it and had time and patience for an objective perspective. How I wish there hadn’t been that pressure and we could’ve developed our relationship further. Maybe it would’ve developed into something beautiful. As it is, I’m assuming he’s mad at me, which I get where he’s coming from… I just couldn’t put my life in his hands like that and make my life exponentially harder.
I’ve been practicing my piano. My song reportoire seems very juvenile to me, but I have time to work on that.
Atreyu is loving school. they’re about 8 letters out on finishing the alphabet. Galixy is somewhat enjoying his time alone, pestering me to pieces. He cooks a scrambled egg with me every school morning. We’ve been reading a lot of books, revelling in Atreyu’s library books. The boys have re-discovered card games and puzzles, so my mom is sinking in chaos.
I’ve been looking at more recipes like a fucking delicious potato soup and foccacia bread. Keeping my appetite as much as possible while currently overloading on the tobacco intake. Smoke as much as I can and then really suffer a couple days on withdrawal, just so I can really feel the difference after succeeding. I don’t want to smoke anymore and it’s stupid.
I need a team to help me bust out this build and get on the road. i need motivation and constructive thinkers. I need money and/or materials. I need a little bit more energy. I’m trying to build it up by periodically getting up for projects between good resting phases. I’m feeling tired right now. I didn’t even touch the bus today. I have a flat. It makes my mobility hard.
My mom corrected herself to calling elli’s room, mine…. which was a little flattering feeling welcomed while also giving me a twinge of “I gotta get the fuck out of here before it’s my room all winter season!” I have this brain fire going for it, while being blocked by the bunk bed concept and materials, but my body is just dragging. *le sigh*
I should take a shower, but this also seems like a task. At least I’m managing to brush my teeth semi regularly. Sometimes it’s the little things. I’m also being fairly crappy towards my usual contacts, intending to write them and then just never getting to it or taking a long time and lots of thoughts to get it done. Living in my head. I think I just wrote myself into clarity of my depression. *deep breath* Gotta be grateful for this hard time because who knows what lesson it may bring. It’s just hard right now but it won’t be forever. I’m not alone, regardless of that feeling. It will get done when the circumstances are favorable. *breath* Sometimes all it takes is validating, other times it takes feeling it and time. Reading this paragraph certainly didn’t make me feel as bad as writing it.
I need to play a game of Uno with the boys and then it’s burrito night! yay! Can’t wait to eat. Not looking forward to cooking. If I’m lucky mom will help or do most of it. She works all day pretty much though too and usually does the dishes because she’s too impatient with my lazy snail crawl of getting to them. They’re just not as high on my priority list as my mom would like. She’s gotten considerably better at tolerating it. I try to get to them quicker more often too.
I hope you all have a wonderful day… or evening.
Wish me strength and patience. Any donation would be greatly appreciated.
Loving you!
Matilda the Bugus 