It is October13th, 2019. I feel the need to point this out first because I know I will not be posting this for an unspecified amount of time.
Truth is, my romantic endeavors left me in a betwixt situation. Besides hi dishonesty about requiring a condom (exposing me to HPV), the pull out method is very effective if there is urination between insertion. I made that clear. He was beyond careless and disrespectful with my body. I feel ashamed that I didn’t take enough time to figure out how disrespectful he was before sleeping with me. Well, the result is pregnancy and I can’t go through with it. I will be having an abortion and that is a difficult choice for me, but I feel it’s the right one for me right now.
Why is it difficult?
- I generally believe that things happen for a reason and that souls choose their parents. though I am PROCHOICE. Perspective and everything isn’t always easy to grasp of others.
- He wants to be a father and be there for his kid and support my family in general.
- Other than the sexual deception, which seems based in shame, he seems like a legitimately good intentioned open human being.
Why do I feel like I need the termination?
- I have two beautiful children whom I love dearly. I want to give them my attention and love in the manner they deserve.
- I’ve been stressed out having two kids and adding a third definitely doesn’t seem like a responsible option.
- Each child is a lot of work and deserves attention, adding another at this time is dumb even if there was an extra adult added.
- It’s nice to have a basis of trust when you’re going to be parenting a kid together. He had promised to rebuild what he had destroyed, but honestly, he also mentioned a pretty disturbing opinion on pro life saying he’d done his research, but the impact on my body and my situation isn’t taken into consideration by him.
- My last pregnancy was pretty traumatic and I went through both alone. Even if he promises to “be there” he doesn’t even understand the premesis of what it entails to be there through pregnancy and then caring for not only a newborn, but 2 rampant boys.
All in all, I feel strongly that seeking an abortion is the most sensible thing to do for my mental health, health, and family. My friends have all been supportive. DJ tried throwing guilt trips at me. It’s not his decision. If he doesn’t want to “lose his child” he shouldn’t go impregnating strangers that don’t actually want more kids.
I feel used. I feel hurt.
The HPV check up revealed some abnormal cells. They would’ve done a biopsy but they can’t with the pregnancy. My aunt says that she thinks my sexual frustration has manifested into the abnormalities which I feel 90% accurate about (I’m sure my poor diet doesn’t help) I just haven’t had the best of luck over the last few years with my sexual encounters.
The two most obvious would be my boys fathers. Marcus wasn’t a bad human, yet he still left me to raise our child by myself. Ryan was a little different. He shamed me for being polyamorous and acted as if I was the biggest slut just out to jump on any human available. A couple winters ago, I picked up a friend off a farm and had some flirtation with him. One night we were making out and he said he wanted sex, I said I felt it was inappropriate at the house we were at. And he went ahead anyway. He was shocked when I confronted him the next day? My last birthday I had a lover come visit me and gift me his penis. Would’ve been nice if he had listened to me when I had preemptively said “don’t cum in me.” He said ok, and then did anyway. I got to pay half of the planB pill, when I confronted him, he downplayed it.
This is just the last 6 years. I feel like a lot of men just don’t get the concept of consent. They don’t seem to understand how easy it is to be open and honest about their body they wish to share. How easy it is to respect someone and how sexy it is to check in. “Does this feel good to you?” – “Can I proceed?” – “May I kiss you…. here?” swoon!
I’m feeling a little broken, but not as broken as I did thinking I would go through with the pregnancy. I felt embarrased and unable to tell anyone.
What a tough decision. Tomorrow I get to make a phone call.
Today is the day, i get to schedule. The line at the clinic for an appointment call is long. It makes me nervous. But I also told my mom this morning. She had said that she had doubted me being pregnant because she didn’t realize I had had sex this summer at all. I basically told her everything. I feel better, like I’m getting some support and can almost see over the edge of the hole I’m in. But I don’t want to look too far over it. I want to keep my mind logical right now. I want to get through this and then deal with the daunting emotional debackle of my choices.
I feel blessed that there’s so much evidence to dissuade me from going through with it. My body is not pleased. My soul is in unrest. My kids and I deserve our peace. I must research the after abortion recovery. I just want my body back and to do what I want to do: build my bus and hit the road.
Today is October 18th. It’s friday, 8 AM. Today is the day. Crikett will be picking me up a little after ten and we head to Helena. I’ve been trying to keep my brain matter of fact about this and letting it’s energy flow. Feeling it and being grateful. Grateful for the experience even if it’s not positive, per say.
I’m trying…. Naturally I have a couple doubts. I was really feeling and manifesting love and gratitude during time of conception. Though DJ didn’t feel like the most ideal partner (polyamory doesn’t mix well with monogamy without compromise and both of us had deepseeded feelings about our individual choices) but I felt a real connection to him. It does hurt thinking about the ideal outcome of this, the path we discussed taking together…. But this is where my realism comes in. Having another baby can be seen through so many idealistic lenses, but I’ve lived having children on my own and the reality of the attention they require is far from idealistic especially when adding to already mal managed ones. People call me a wonderful mother. I’m dedicated and I truly love my kids, but I’m at my wits end because it’s so hard to care so much for these two wonderful creatures. and then myself on top of it. There’s times where it feels easy and the swing goes natural, but then there are days where I have no empathy for my surroundings and I’m down right furious about it. It is not fair to add two more beings to my stress level. I need to learn to let go and find my patience before I add more humans to this entangled mess of a world.
At this very moment, I feel a little lost. Pulled in the current of the plan I’ve set. I know I’m going through with it…. But somehow my heart feels heavy. The only way I will ever possibly redeem myself with myself is by being the best damned mother to the two loves of my life. To give them all the love and understanding and enjoy this life we’ve got with each other.
I’m so relieved and feeling great this morning. Yesterday way painful and long.
Crikett picked me up right after 10 and we stopped at wheat Montana. There were a couple of my old co workers so I had a nice little chat before the drive up. I read her what I had written. It was a long drive but the company was excellent. I’m so grateful for her friendship.
There were a couple pro life protestors outside the clinic. but I couldn’t even understand their shouts. We waited in the waiting room for almost 2 hours. There were a few others and we all got on swimmingly. Crikett read some college work and gave me three scratchers to pass the time.
The plan was for Crikett to come in with me, she’s been there for all my women’s health inclusive of Galixy’s birth. What a friend! But when they called me in they first justed wanted to make sure there was no coersion, and then it all went so fast anyway.
Vital check and preemptive talk inclusive of blood work and Rhogam refusal. An ultrasound with another lovely lady. At this point I should mention that I brought my lovely ESA Rhea along with me and everyone was stoked for her calm chihuahua vibes (oxymoron, unless you’re acquainted with her. I’ve had people forget I even own a dog, even though she accompanies me everywhere including Europe back in those days) so she was the talk and love onof all technicians and assistants.
After the ultrasound, a picture of a peanut at 8 weeks and 1 day, I went into another room with an apparatus of tubes and two glass containers. I did ask if I could take my cells home, but they said it would have to be arranged prior with a funeral home. I refused sedation since I wanted as little recovery time mandated as possible. A doctor came in and we chatted a minute, then I laid down and he numbed me up a little (I also got about 800mg ibuprofen and an antibiotic preemptively) and started the suctioning machine. I told them it would be cool to be able to watch, like with abig mirror or camera (I think every doctors office should give the option of watching your procedure when possible, like dentists, incredibly fascinating stuff I think… maybe I’m weird) It felt like a hollow scraping inside. A little twingy and some pain, but not so bad.
I walked myself to the recovery room and drank some apple juice while having my vital signs read.
On the way home, we stopped at Burger King. My abdomen was hurting but I felt such relief. Just complete ease about life ahead. My mouth just wouldn’t stop japping and Crikett was a wonderful chatting companion. It was the longest she had ever been away from her son, so I got dropped off 🙂 I’m so grateful for her, I know I’ve said it a bunch, but I think it’s understandable.
Last night I fell asleep after 10:30 and awoke needing to pee at 4:30 AM. My belly told me I was hungry, but not hungry enough to motivate me to get up. I didn’t get queasy or nauseaus at all. I’m feeling great with hardly any bleeding. Fucking rested for the first time in a month. AMAZAZING! Like a teenager.
Crikett asked me if I was going to talk to DJ again. I said no, if he wants to forgive me he can do so from afar, and if he wants to be mad at me he can also do that from there. And then he was in my dream last night. Being the sweet self I remember hanging out with in Billings. I definitely don’t scorn his company, I just one hundred percent don’t want to be rushed. If my refusal to be rushed or have a child ruins a prospective partnership, so be it.
I know I may receive criticism for my choices or mistakes. I know my choices aren’t everyone’s cup of tea, but it is my life. I feel certain that I handled for benefit and goodness. I can’t say that it was the right choice, in all manners of speaking or perspective, but as I’ve said, I can only use this as a chance to become a better me for myself and my kids, regardless of what others opinion about it is.
I’m just here to authentically share my journey, and this has really affected me and stopped me from writing for too long. It’s held up my bus project.
I’m ready to get back to it, get back to my life and projects. Honor what was and what might have been and remain grateful for what is now and true and real.
I have purpose.
I have love I want to share.
I have smiles to share and knowledge to discover.
Off to some serious work for me. I have a bus to build! I cant believe how great I feel. My creative juices and motivation are flowing. My appetite is sort of present.
I almost feel barred from posting this, like it’s somehow incomplete. But I shal just close my eyes and post my heart.
To better days!
Matilda the Bugus 