I’m bored but doing my best to stay occupied and survive the concrete heat. So my boredom is my blog’s gain. Or loss, depending on what we want to see it as.
I’m about to sneak in through hanser’s gate to utilize their shower just to get some of this sweat under control for a moment. The bus is wonderfully breezy with all the capable windows open. Rhea’s too hot to play fetch. The boys are undetered. I’m hiding under my rainbow umbrella from the sun. Staying cool and active is hard.
This morning my creamer was bad and so a cup of coffee was wasted. We walked 2 blocks down to the gas station and bought me some new creamer and the boys some orange juice. The boys picked flowers on our way back to the bus.
I crafted some yesterday and made myself a nice moldavite pendant. I received the moldavite from DJ alongside a handful of rocks. He came by yesterday close to the kids bed time. We sat and talked for a while. Then he showed me some music. He put on a song (no rain, by blind melons) and asked me if I know it. After I said yeah, he took my hand, leaned over the table and we kissed. The rest of the night was spent in each others arms. *le sigh* It’s been a while since I’ve felt someones arms around me without imprisoning expectation. Just us, no guilt or shame. Complete honesty, because what are we hiding and what for? No need to agree on everything 100%, just acceptance of each other. What a beautiful feeling. So now I shall brag about him a little. He’s a cancer and a couple years younger than I, but his mind set and ideals, stemming from a completely different background of Christian parents, is progressive and open. He listens and has things to add. Unfortunately he was in a car wreck recently and damaged his car badly, so he’s been walking places (mainly to me) which I consider unamerican. He wants to travel and apparently his friends and family are worried he wants to take off with me. It isn’t a valid worry, because he does want to, but also wants to be responsible about it. What a treat! He says he’ll be working towards a car and an emergency fund and getting his ducks in a row because he wants to be helpful and not a burden. At this time in his life he’s been drinking and smoking consistently but finding an aversion to it for himself. I’m not saying I’m in love or anything along those lines. But I’m obviously taken in by him. Handsome and humble. *le sigh*
I do think it’s silly that just a couple days after I let go of my own sillyness, I get kissed like that. I’m enjoying the feelings generated in me, regardless of where this leads. Being here now. I’m amazed I even found the words to tell this, usually it’s be something I feel frazzled to communicate. I would get flustered and blush if I was to tell someone out loud about this. I’ve been wanting to tell Saliha or Crikett, but it’s not like I even know what’s really going on or whatever, I’m just enjoying myself in this feeling. And on that thought, it deserves to be shared. This feeling of light.
This takes me back to almost 4 years ago. I’ve been intending to tell how it came about that I hit the road….
4 years ago, I was staying at my dad’s and step moms with Atreyu. I had a job at the wheat montana bakery and deli. I spent a lot of time connecting to the world and myself. I was feeling the Universe converge and eager to see where this journey would go. I met a guy named TJ over Medicine Tribe facebook group and we hit it off. TJ was somewhat of a traveler and super honest and open. We spent some amazing time together and I was full on ready to follow him, eager to travel. He made a decision that parted our ways and I was heart broken, but grateful and my eyes wide open. That feeling of convergence hadn’t ceased. I knew it was necessary, though I didn’t understand why.
Just a couple short weeks after Tj’s dissappearance from my life, I was working an afternoon shift at the deli. Repeatedly this dirty group of Vagabonds came in ordering things. All working were eager to accomodate these dirty kids. There were two guys and two girls, one of which had a daughter about Atreyu’s age on her arm. I immediately started questioning them. Dirty kid travelers. My heart was pounding. Before they left, I asked the Mama if she had room in her car for myself and another child. Later she told me, she knew we’d be great friends by my willingness to jump out of society. She laughed and said their Honda Accord was stuffed to the gills, to which I replied that I did have a subaru, but no idea how to keep the tank full. She laughed again and said she’d show me. Jotted her number down and told me she’s be in Bozeman for about a week. We should get together throughout that time and see if it was a legitimate thing I would endeavor. I visited them a couple times and just 3 days later, I went to quit my job and started packing. My supervisor was concerned that I had family issues and assured I could come back to my job at any time. My being emotional was more due to nerves and excitement. I thought my supervisors would call me out on my plans and find societies voice to tell me off.
That week we did a little travel test run heading west. I knew the entire time that this would be the adventure coming for me, so pairing down on our way back through, I was very confident heading into the big expanse I’ve called home for the last almost 4 years.
Traveling has given me so much perspective, love, and hope for all of us. Galixy’s dad took some of that for himself and left me wandering confused, but still filled with love. Traveling was also an escape from those feelings for the most part. I’m grateful I’ve had respite and clarity.
Traveling is my life and I consider it beautiful. I get in a down right funk if I haven’t explored anything new, if I haven’t given someone a smile and perspective.
I can’t even believe that it’s been 4 years. In a sense it feels so short, but I feel like I’ve accomplished so much through this time. I’m beyond grateful for this. For all of the people in my life.
Well, it’s cooling down a little and getting to the time where I’m thinking about dinner foods. My tummy is growling which is great. I’ve been trying to eat healthier and more. Roasted red Pepper and tomato soup got me going this morning. Major influence of eating healthy again is Saliha. Having another aware Generator around has been awesome. If I could keep her here forever I would. Alas, she’s refused my marriage proposal saying she will only marry her soulmate. When I said that not all soulmates are romantic, she agreed, but will still return to Germany. We’ve spoken about this every time she’s come for a visit… In my mind, the only reason to involve government in a relationship (i.e. marriage) is to gain something like citizenship. Otherwise I find it silly. I’m not against weddings. I think celebrating your love and commitment for one another is beautiful and I would like to have a wedding of my own some day, but by no means do I want to have a marriage contract. It isn’t the governments business who loves whom or how much they are worth.
Off to making dinner and chatting with DJ, crossing my fingers he makes it out to me tonight.
Loving you!
Matilda the Bugus 