Good day to all! It’s been rather a rough time for me emotionally lately. The interior of my bus is currently set to “complete though that may change and with exception of the toilet I bought and was expecting over a week ago. I’d had planned to make a complete video tour of bugus once I could count the interior as temporarily done, but that seems to be impossible keeping that bus to any standard of clean.
For the last month or so, I was fortunate to have Crikett loan me her jeep to make the world and life more accessible and easy for me. This resulted in my being able to visit my friend Catie a few times and a feeling of independence I rarely have on my mom’s ranch, which probably caused my endurance for the stay. I got to celebrate Catie’s birthday with fruit cake. Another wonderful adventure was Huckleberry picking with Crikett. And tomorrow Saliha arrives from Germany! A lot of exciting and happy things. Can’t forget getting to go see Nahko and Medicine for the People thanks to my brother who lavished the trip.
I wish I could show him more gratitude for the event. I had a wonderful time and had been waiting for the chance for forever. The day after the concert is where my patience ran out. My mom had the kids for the night of the concert. It was her first time taking all of the kids without us present. She’d taken Atreyu only when Elli would be present to watch him for her, which isn’t a 10 year olds job….
It’s hard for me to summarize all the chaos and disturbance I feel about this situation because its been building for so many years in so many different facets. I tried earlier this year to explain my inhibitions of any visit at all. And then my mom guilted me with tears over my truth. I really hoped for the best. I do have to give her props. She held it together over my bussplosion. She gave the boys some more time. When it came to my niece (I’m really not trying to write “mean” things as she has accused me of, but I am writing what I obseerved. How she treated me and my boys) The first days were great. Within a week, there was no more sharing coming from her. Everytime there was something cool it had to be all hers to play with and if my boys even tried to touch or explore it they would “surely ruin it.” And then the back talking and ignoring of simple questions. I know she resents that she seemingly gets less time with her dad when we’re here, but that isn’t our fault. Every time she came home her words were full of conflict incitement and the boys would cry pretty much all day long, taking up more of my time. And everytime there was conflict, my mother would swoop in and invalidate me in front of my niece. For the last two months I’ve felt consistently negated and put down. Rarely actually supported. I feel like my kids miss out on me ever getting any actual support. It would be nice to have a spot where I can trust that if the people take my kids on outings or errands or out of my hair for a minute they are doing it of their own volition without dangerous or evil intentions.
I know that the way I react when I’m hurt isn’t very conducive to any situation, but some situations I’m just over trying to save. It’s hard enough being a single mother, then add an environment where you are supposed to feel supported and you can barely get the bare minimum. I don’t feel like it was so much to ask to feel loved and valid by family who has stated that they value you. Only in concept. Both of my pregnancies were immediate preceived burdens on the family. My dad gave us some enthusiasm at least. He wasn’t very enthusiastic about the beginning of my travels of the US, but they’re not really getting a choice on what we do anyway.
I’m not fond of laying my family bare. They are not hateful people. They just have no space for our chaos. My mom wants me there in theory, but actually getting anything out of our visit just seems beyond her. I’ve been exhausted for forever, and any attempt at recouperation or enjoyment was thwarted. I shared in all the household chores ontop of my own projects.
I don’t know. I don’t can’t talk about this anymore. I just really like feeling heard and writing seems to be the only way to truly get it out and let go and move on.
Apparently I really need to go make some money, I lost $200 in my bus. I’m so sure I put half of the last of my money away into emergency fund but it is not in my secured spot.
I paid my Permanent registration on the bus today, raiding my change. The wonderful lady even contributed a couple coins. Then we went to Kenyon Noble and spent the last of our change on a water hose adapter. After we came to a playground. We’ve been here for a few hours. I’ve had some nice interactions since leaving the ranch.
I still have multiple engagements and reasons to stay in the area. Maybe after I get a little money scraped together will be a great time to go visit my dad for a little.
My mom’s been trying to give me $200, which I think is ironic for the same amount that’s missing for me right now. I don’t want to take it though. I feel guilty every time she gives me money, she worries about her own situation enough. I don’t want her money. If she had $200 to spare, she should’ve been taking the boys out more. Done something for them, make them feel special for once. Ease of mind isn’t something you can buy.
Here’s a few pretty pictures for you to look at. The universe is moving. Good times lie ahead.
I just want to put out there, that you can choose a way to live, be completely happy with your life, and still hope to get a little break on occassion. Being happy with your life doesn’t mean you don’t have moments where things are kiltering. Shit happens. Be the tie-dye sheep anyway. There’s so much life to experience out there.
I guess to tie my psyco episode together today, maybe the problem I’m running from is how I feel about my mother, and myself in connection. What an intimidatin thing because it’s not about how she actually feels about me, but the way I feel she sees me. Like some complex mystery, instead of a girl that generally feels excluded.
To being back in the world and ready to manifest! I know some people got a smile out of my existence today!
Loving
Matilda the Bugus 