We’re at Walmart, doing our wakeup. I’ve been busy cleaning and organizing. A morning filled with music. I accidentally overcharged my mom’s data last night. She said it’s ok, but I feel guilty. She’s not made of money and I feel her pain with it’s absence. Also, she helps me out so much already that I can only hope to repay her somehow, with happiness.
I’m doing an experiment today. I have make up on and am wearing nice clothes. I’m also gonna dress the kids well and then we’re off to go to Safford. I already had one lady drive by and ask me about the bus and kick down a fifty. What a kind lady.
I wanna talk about my dream, because it’s in a reoccuring area with a psychic recognition vibe. Before sleeping, I watched this video on Facebook that turned out to be an add about partnership. Being 100% you and them being 100% them to work together on this life. How just because one parttner does things like cooking and cleaning, doesn’t make it their job, because we all benefit from those things. It probably set me into the dream state of looking ahead. I already know where I’ll be meeting my fate, but I don’t know when or exact details. But here my dream:
As dreams go, it’s hard to explain the exact details, but I have a vibe of a community in Nature, where there is lots of movement and a fair river rushing by. The area is mountainous and encampments are set up mostly on the east side of the river. There’s a lot of familiartiy with the people and the drivable area close is askew of a map with townships in fair distance, but somehow there’s a limitation on it. The person of most interest is someone I’ve known for a while that catches me off guard with his sillyness and my emergence of feeling towards him. His face is murky, but his energy is familiar and reassuring though I seem to have some discomforting situations with others. He becomes my focus unexpectedly but I recognize the moments as they come.
I don’t claim to be supernatural. We all have this in us, to tap into. My brain is just built fairly close to some capabilities. I think it’s more so the desire to understand more that enables me to glimpse things and acknowledge their existence. They have a million ways to sscientifically explain deja vu. I can often recall the exact time I dreamt my future after they happened and it all becomes clear, so even if I can’t explain it, I know that I dream ahead. Control is still beyond me.
We had a “neighbor” skoolie last night, seem very nice over the limited interaction we had, but I’m sure we’ll have another chance to catch up. The kids were wondering about fish and breathing so we watched this youtube video about it that was very informative and caught both kids eye. Here’s the link in case you, or your child, need to learn about gills vs lungs: https://youtu.be/B-T4ORXLgLI
We drove from Tucson to Safford stopping at the rest area.
Driving let’s my mind flow into odd places. Like my singing voice being admittedly poor, I didn’t know how poor until about three years ago, someone rudely pointed it out. Since then, I’ve been mindfully trying and sometimes just enjoying the fuck out of singing. Today my thought process went to my Austrian Choir and music instructer. I thought she was the bees knees. But my thought today went to the one time we had two classes group together to do a recording of some sort. She was lovingly praising my friend’s singing voice (she sang in the church choir, and really sounded like an angel) while also rearranging our group to have the better singers closer to the microphone. I was way away from it. I wish my teacher would have seen how eager I was to sing. I’ve always loved singing and lyrics. I wish my teacher would have told me then that I could learn to sing. Instead I waited to be kicked in the shins by being told how awful my voice was. Maybe it wouldn’t have hurt so bad if anybody before hand had told me how truly horrid I sounded, without being so downright mean about it.
I tried to air up my bike tires, but it seems the tubes got punctured somehow. Tubes are cheap at Walmart, though. Just another thing to add to the to do list.
After arriving at the Safford Walmart we went in to purchase some motor oil and water. They had a fancy camping toiled for $69. I’m very tempted to get it after the lastest poop debacles but honestly I’d have to rearrange all kinds of things to fathom it being put in there. Also, I saw one online that’s about half the price but just as functional. So I will practice patience and not satisfy my lust for having my very own toilet in about 3 and a half years. Just saying. I’m so poor I’ve been peeing in jugs and using public restrooms when possible. I gotta point out that it’s my choice in a way. I could be poor and rent a toilet, but I’d rather save and go without until all the conditions are favorable to own my own toilet.
Right after we arrived back at the bus, a group of dirty kids parked their dirty van right next to Bugus. I love talking and hanging out, especially since I knew 50% of the group previously, but it would’ve been hella respectful of them if they had parked at least a couple of space between us. That way people wouldn’t just automatically assume that we’re traveling together. People never jump to the conclusion easily that I’m a single mom traveling by myself. It goes against everything natural it seems. I’m supposed to be scared and reliant on the system or a man or my family. I need to spread that burden thinner. I get Food stamps from the State, my phone bill from my mommy, and the rest is really from the rest of humanity crossing my path, little by little. But we survive. I’m sure I could’ve asked them to move the van, but I hesitated to long, and I was the one with the short end of the stick. Regardless, we moved to McDonalds, so the kids would have plenty of exercise. It was a beautiful sunshiney day, but as soon as the sun goes down, it’s really cold. I kept the kids pent up a lot today with driving, so having an icecream fry desert seemed like a legitimate option, especially since they ate all of the left over ravioli’s from last night, plus some kicked down chicken from earlier today.
Tonight I’m going to go park at Safeway, tomorrow we’re heading to the Hot Well Dunes to soak. I’m considering paying a night of camping if they have electricity or showers there. I need to run my drill and add my lock on my door. I also want to redye my hair. I changed the part in it because I realized the other (under) side was a much richer red then what I had brushed out of my dreads. I do feel really good about myself today with the face paint and nice outfit. I can’t say it’ll happen again soon, but I also can’t say that it won’t. It’s mostly about the fun I have deciding what colors my eyelids will be, watching my eyelashes grow with mascara, and tracing my lip line. I just had this epiphany that it’ll all fade anyway, so I should enjoy it to the fullest while I have it. Like my boobs. They were amazing, but I always complained about them (too small, not symmetrical, blah blah), Now they’re smaller but at least no flop! Just a Laney handful and that’s good enough. Kind of like Gertrude McFuzz, hehe.
I gotta be honest, this writing stuff is like exploring my mind twice over. It’s got the same satisfaction as scrolling through my facebook feed. But I feel healthier at the end of it. Like eating an apple instead of a candybar. don’t get me wrong. I’ll continue to eat plenty of candybars and scroll through Facebook, I just also feel like I’m using my time better and otherwise. Like quitting smoking cigarettes. You start to breathe easier and make altogether healthier decisions. It’s quite a releaving feeling, yet getting there is always a challenge.
Hoping you’re finding at least one way to treat yourself today.
Listen to “Beautiful Days” by Satsang?
Or “Pooping in the woods” by Ari the MC.
Loving you!!
Matilda the Bugus 