It’s a windy, cloudy day. We’re parked at a park which has very inconvenient parking options. It made driving in very frustrating, but now we’ve been here a couple hours and a very nice gentleman came by to donate a little. We finally found the right side of Tucson. Even at out walmart we got some help without much effort; a sweet lady and her boyfriend asked politely to take pictures and kicked down, and a guy on a bike made a video circling bugus. It’s an awesome feeling to see such enthusiasm.
I’ve been getting things done, stitching x2, unraveling, crocheting, cleaning, restrapping the boys’ seats more securely, watching the boys play, and guiding them with some learning exercises. I just felt the need to take a writing break; I also set up my sharing capabilities and invited a ton of people to the page, so if you’re reading this because of my recent inclusionary efforts, thank you!
I’m a little lost. I mean, I could just hang and see where the wind will blow. I need to meet up with Sandy anyway, give her newly mended skirt back and pick up Kenny. He wants a ride to the gathering and that way I will have some freedom to jug without pressure.
Galixy is having a hard time with whining lately. He’s consistently whining and crying over little things. I’ve been trying a mantra of “frustration and anger are for words, sad and hurt are for crying.” But the behavior drives me up the wall, and then I feel incapable of doing the fun things I want to do with them. Time out is a fairly hard thing to do on its own for him. He takes a long time to calm down and the fact that he’s in time out upsets him even more. The screaming really rings in my ears and I’ve ended up hiding my head under a blanket and plugging my ears (atreyu’s suggestion.) Parenting is hard. I don’t pretend to know what I’m doing. I’m learning with them and hoping we get it right together at least once a day.
I’ve been debating talking about my boys’ dad’s and child support. I don’t receive any from either. I’ve gotten plenty of eye-rolls about it. “How can I let them off the hook like that??” Yeah, because that’s so simple.
Marcus had a son already, he was paying child support but never wanted to be involved. I knew this, and at that time, I truly believed I couldn’t get pregnant. (When I was engaged, the guy was stressing me about procreation. I wouldn’t have minded a kid, but I was more than ok with it not happening and me adopting my doggo, Rhea, at that point.) So, when sir Atreyu became a positive on a pee stick in a mall bathroom before work, to me it was betwixt. I didn’t want to trap a guy, I wasnt sure what I would do, but he was my little miracle, timing be damned, man be damned! We had broken up a month before the positive result.
At first he played along but it quickly became evident he was more into chasing tail than being supportive. It was a relief to me when he quit his job and moved into his new girl friend’s place. I didn’t know where he was and I didn’t want to force him. After Atreyu was born, I notified him via facebook and he blocked me, so when social workers talked me into opening a paternity case against him, I couldn’t find him anymore. I was lonely in Vienna, my roommate, an old school friend, really tried her best to be there, but she had such a busy life, and I already felt in her debt for opening her doors to someone estranged since middle school. I haven’t done her kindness justice; I wish I could be a better friend to her, but expectations and I really dont jive. And so, when I felt the intense need to move from Austria back to the US (a decision I have questioned many times), I had to abandon the court case. And, so, he was let off the hook, and I do sincerely hope he utilizes his freedom for the good and what he intended to do with his life.
Galixy’s dad… ha. I just dont even know. I can’t force him. I wanted us to be a family, he didn’t. No amount of money would make up for his absence and negligence through and after our relationship. And anyway, what kind of money would I get off a busker refusing to pay child support for his elder two daughters (very lovely creatures if you’ve never heard me mention them, just know, I adore those ladies and am beyond blessed to know them. I wouldn’t if it was up to Ryan.) He is a master of excuses, too! Can’t even count the excuses he’s given people, along side the generic “he probably isnt even mine, shes such a slut.” Projections are lovely. He goes by Dream, but I prefer Nightmare. One of those deceptive faces that seem beautiful but wait until that face starts melting and the true innards of the horror surface.
In the end, I may not have their support, but I also dont have an obligation to report to anyone when it concerns my kids. Everything has pros and cons. I just really rely on the world to make up for what these men are lacking. Maybe we are beyond poor, and I’m having a really hard time on my own. I can only blame myself on a day to day basis when things go wrong. I dont have an alcoholic making empty promises to my kids and cleaning up their mess in my kids heart. I’m fucking them up all on my own and they only have me to hate when the time comes. That was a very negative statement, but hope for the best and expect the worst, right?
Every day I try to be better for them, while at the same time being true to myself and my needs. Someday my perspective will widen and I will shake my head at the silly, rough, traveling Laney. *shrug* there’s worse things to do than let people live their lives.
Loving you!
Matilda the Bugus 